Tuesday, February 10, 2015

My Life of Survival...As I remember it...

So I thought that it may be time to tell y'all a little bit of my story.  A while back I told you that I was a DV survivor.  You will notice that I have had a little bit of everything in my life.  I have had verbal and emotional, physical, and sexual coercion.  My husband is not like this and I am grateful for that.  He can be a bit of a handful at times, but he doesn't beat the shit out of me and he likes my food.  :)
I can remember being a little girl and my mom and dad fighting. No hitting other than once that I know of, but there was more than enough yelling and screaming. The worst was going to my grandma’s house [dads]. They didn’t know how to do anything other than fight. I vividly remember standing on the porch with all my cousins, it was cold and I was very young, and a recliner comes through the window. My uncle threw it because of something that happened inside. That wasn’t the first time it had happened and it also wasn’t the last, it was just the only time I can remember real well. The only time I ever saw my dad hit my mom was when we were young and we came home and he was mad at her for something. He grabbed her out of the truck and hit her in the face. He then took her and threw her against the light post in the middle of the yard and then he left. We sat on the swing out front for a long time that day.

 Fast forward into my teen years; my dad has gone to jail and then prison for murder. I have no clue if he did it or not so please don’t ask. We had to go and live with my mom’s parents because my dad was our supporter. With him gone we had no way to pay for anything anymore so we had to leave our home. My grandpa was the meanest man I had ever met. I was only 14 maybe 15 and skinnnny!! He would sit in the living room at night and watch TV. Sometimes I would go into the kitchen to get a drink or a snack and he would tell me that I shouldn’t be eating because I was already fat. Guess 125 pounds is HUGE!!!! I stayed there about 3 months before I had a complete nervous breakdown. I sat on the floor in the laundry room crying, screaming, scratching, and pulling out my hair. My mom sent me to live with my dad’s parents. He (dad’s father) wasn’t any better. He would constantly accuse me of stealing from him, even though I wasn’t. My aunt Carol had to come and “rescue” me one time because of it.  Finally my mom got back on her feet and we moved into our own place. It didn’t help any though because instead of being loved I had a mom that didn’t care. I could do anything that I wanted and she never did anything unless it was skipping school, and that was only because she was going to have to pay a fine. She filed me as a runaway 4 times by the time I was 15.

 Then I met Albert. I thought he was the moon for some reason. It might have been because I was only 16, but I dated him for a long time. I was always running off girls that were ‘chasing’ him. Come to find out he was sleeping with all of them. Then at 17 I was pregnant. I had already ran away with him and the police refused to pick me up anymore. My mom didn’t want anything to do with me at that point because she said that I had ‘abandoned’ her. UM HELLO I AM A 17 YEAR OLD CHILD. Nope didn’t matter, she was “Done with me”. I had my daughter 3 months before my 18th birthday. Guess what, my mom showed up at the hospital. She said that we could move back in with her and be in the “big” room. I was there for 2-3 months. I got a job and then got a place to live, like a family, with Albert and my daughter. It was a trailer park. I had to pay $150 a week but it was ok because I had my family. I would take my daughter to her grandma’s (his mom) and pay her to watch her, go to work, come home and pick her up, clean house and cook dinner, serve him in bed; if he didn’t like it, it would be thrown in my direction and I would have to make something that he liked. Have you noticed yet that he is not working or watching our daughter? Wanna know what he is doing? He is “seeing” the girl down the street. She is 14 and pregnant with his child.

 After he leaves my mom moves in with me to help me with everything. He comes up one night and knocks on my door. When I open it he tells me that he wants his dogs. (We had 2 pits that I supported) I informed him that he wasn’t getting them and that he needed to leave. That is when he went crazy! He started to scream and yell but my dog didn’t like that too much and started towards him growling. Yep he backed that ass right back out of my house. Or I thought that was what it was but then I remember that I had put the puppy out back to go potty and he was yelping to come back in. I ran around to the back door and went out, we both reached the pup at about the same time. He grabbed the front of his halter and I grabbed the back. Albert didn’t like that and I knew almost immediately that I had made a mistake. He started to scream at me like I had never heard him do before. He had an edge to his voice that scared me. That is when he hit me for the first time. Not once, not twice, but 4-5 times, in the face. He then slammed my face into the propane tank a couple of times and then threw me over the fence where my knee attached itself to it. As I am laying on the ground not able to move he jumps the fence with my puppy and walks away. That was the worst feeling in the world. I realized, that as I pulled myself up and walked around to the front of the house, the neighbor had heard and possibly seen everything and she was on the phone. I asked her to please not call the cops, it was done, he was gone. I didn’t think he would be back. I went into the house, cleaned myself up, calmed my mom and daughter down, and as I was sitting down someone knocked at the door. My mom, not wanting me to get hit again, answered the door. It was the police wanting to see me. After I told him what happened he went to speak with Albert. Not to long after he came back and told me that his sister said I had hit him also and first. No matter how much I said I didn’t he would not believe me. I was handcuffed and then placed in the back seat of the patrol car, with Albert sitting right next to me. As the cop was speaking with my mother, Albert was telling me that he was going to “whoop my Ass” when we get out for calling the cops. I was freaking terrified!! I spent 2 days in jail when my grandma bailed me out. I think it was about 3-6 months later I was standing in the courthouse waiting to speak with someone about the charges on Albert when he came and stood right next to me. Again I was terrified!! What the hell did he want now? I left and have not bothered him since! Guess what? He told me that I needed to drop the charges on him because he didn’t do anything wrong and that in return he would drop them on me. Yep for one there had been charges brought upon me; Assault on a family member; and for 2 he wanted me to drop the ones on him; Assault on a family member w/bodily injury. Um, hello again, I am terrified of this guy! He just beat the hell out of me and now he is standing next to me telling me that I needed to drop the charges, so guess what I did? Yep, I dropped them. I didn’t want my ass beat again and I knew that if I didn’t do what he told me to he would probably do it again.

 He stalked me for about 6 months after that. I can say that I have not heard from him since and I am ok with that.
The after effects of the abuse is hard.  I have severe anxiety and panic attacks around large groups.  I get extremely defensive when people yell or scream at me.  For a long time I was an addict of sorts.  I was a child that most of my family didn't like.  I don't know why and I probably never will.  I wasn't told by my mom until about 2 years ago that she loved me.  I have told my kids that several times a day from day one.  I was judged because I got pregnant at 17 but I had no one else that wanted me, I was a problem child...Never judge a person because of their shell.  You don't know what they have suffered through in their life.

My boss calls it a day in the life of an RA....I call bullshit!!!

I have a love hate relationship with my current job.  I am an advocate for a domestic violence shelter and I love that.  I love that I can help women everyday.  I can inspire them to get better and succeed and do what ever the hell they want.  Don't let anyone, man or woman, ever tell you that you cannot be whatever because you can if you think you can. 

Now the hate part is that they keep screwing with my hours and times.  I started out as an advocate on the 4-12 (make it or break it) shift.  This is the shift that if it was brewing to happen, then it is going to happen and it will be on this shift.  I loved that shift.  I like being the one that they come to if they need to talk.  I like to be the one that breaks up the fights.  I like that all of the kids love me and know me b name.  I have ladies that only feel comfortable talking to me about stuff.  Stuff that, by the way, I cannot possibly make up.  They are crazy sometimes.  I have to call the cops more times than I can count.  They have moved me to the midnight to 8am shift.  Wanna know what happens on that shift?  NOT A MUTHA FUCKIN THING!!!!!!!!!  Nothing.  They sleep, snore, sleep, pee, and sleep some more....I hate this shift.  I hate it enough that I am looking for a new job.  I guess I am also looking for a new career.  I do not want to be overnight.  I want my hours back.  I didn't ask to go overnight.  Wasn't my fault that the other girl that works overnight and doesn't have any kids and just moved in with her boyfriend/roommates doesn't want to work it anymore.  I did my job and I did it well.  Well enough that the house ran smoothly and no one ever complained about it being dirty or stinky.  They do now.  Now that you have taken me off that shift.  Me with 2 years experience in this field and replaced me with a girl that "doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings" so she doesn't ask them to do anything.  If they don't do it then she just leaves it. 

*shakes head*

No sweetie, see if they don't do it, YOU have to. (period)  The house has to be clean and if they say nope not doing it all week and you can't find someone else that will, You have to do it! 

I may just be tired from having a family, working overnight, and cleaning, but if my husband had a job I would just quit.  I have had enough with them.  No wonder they can't keep anyone.  Night....