Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Why must they grow up?

Ok so I needed to blog today, only because I need some way of coping with what I am going through! 

My babies are growing up!!!!!

When did that happen?  I know that it was just yester-year that I had my beautiful 6lb 5oz 18inch long baby girl, that started kindergarten and then 6th grade, but when did she grow up?!  I am NOT ready for this!!  NO!  I want my baby back!  It isn't fair that they have to grow up and go to high school! 

When she started kindergarten she didn't want to let me go.  I had to stay with her most of the day because she was literally attached to my leg.  I thought it was so funny.  Then she got distracted and I ran, out of the room, out of the school, and into my waiting car.  I carried on the rest of the day like nothing was different. <--looking back I should have cried and fought for her to stay by my side.  I didn't though, I knew that she had to go to school and I still had a little one that I needed to care for at home.  She was home soon enough and I took a picture of her getting off of the bus that afternoon! I can't find it so here is one of her and her brother...


She was ok the next year when she went on to 1st grade and so was I.  That is the way it went until she changed schools, but again I still had one that was in Elementary that I could baby so I was ok with it.  Now I am not ok with the fact that she is about to start HIGH SCHOOL!!! 

It goes from baby dolls and Barbie dolls to boys and cars!  It all happens so fast that you don't even know that it is happening.  It hasn't hit my husband yet but I am sure that it will when we go to the 'crossing over' ceremony in a couple of weeks.  He will cry!  I will take a photo of it to show him later when he denies it!! 

High school is a bad thing in my mind.  High school is where 'things' happen.  Bad things most of the time. You know like driving, dating, parties, so on and so forth.  I know that I am not the only one that this has happened to.  I am sure that my mom went through the same thing when I started high school, and her mom before her and on and on.....

How do you make the panic stop though?  Has anyone figured out how to make them stop growing?  Can you share it with me please!!  I really didn't think that I was going to be one of "those" mom's!!  You know the kind I am talking about.  I am sure you don't wanna be one either.  Just wait, it's coming. 

Lord help us all....they are still growing up!!!!  Here is her first day of High School...

Friday, May 17, 2013

Why does this happen to me? ! ? !

So I don't know how many of you know this but my FIL had Dementia and  Alzheimer's and it sucks ass!!!

Today's adventure is as follows...

  1. Wake up
  2. Make coffee
  3. Go potty
  4. Receive a dumpster that I didn't know was coming
  5. Take said FIL to (Job interview that he can't remember where)  <---should be fun
So I woke up just fine.  Slept real good.  Went and let out my kitty so he could run and play with others while I made my coffee...Coffee makes me potty so that was the next step in my day so far. 

This is where it gets interesting....

I look out of the living room window and see the dumpster guys pulling into the driveway.  Hum.. I guess that someone ordered a dumpster.  Cool!  Then I see the 'dumpster guy' walking up to my house. 

  • Yes can I help you?
  • I need to drop this.
  • Um...ok just get it as close to the house as possible and get it out of the driveway.
Moves the dumpster so it is right up against the pile of house....
  • Ok so I need you to sign for this and I need payment.
  • I don't have payment, I didn't even know it was coming, let me call someone.
So I call the MIL, it goes as follows.
  • Hey the dumpster guys are here, did you know about this?
  • Yea I told (FIL) <---name here....where I wanted it.
  • Um ok well I already had them drop it.
  • No, they are going to have to move it to the area I wanted it
  • Ok, let me give him the phone.
I give him the phone and walk to the house where the FIL is. I knock LOUDLY because he is also hard of hearing.  He hears and comes to the door with a stupid grin on his face and says....
  • Sorry the office is closed, please come back tomorrow.
  • OK, the dumpster guy is here, do you have the money for them?
  • Tell them to come back tomorrow because we are closed.
  • Seriously? !
  • Yes, we reopen tomorrow.
OMG! WTF!  He is at the house not a business for those of you still wondering.

I walk back over and get the phone back and go back into my house.  MIL calls me back and proceeds to tell me that UIL is calling in a CC number. Not to worry about it.  ==p <--gun) (POW)

Oh LAWD!!!  So that is done.  They are gone I am chillin in my house, and there is a knock at my door.  Holy CRAP it is the FIL!!!  WHY ? ! ? !   Well let me tell ya why....
  • Hey are you doing anything today?
  • Um I don't know why?
  • Well I need a ride into town for a job interview.
  • Ok, where?
  • Oh, um, damn, I don't remember....
  • Ok well I guess I can.
  • Ok thanks. (he walks away)
Crap!  What the hell did I just agree to? !? !  Shit!!  Damnit!!!!!!!

I shall let you know what happens later.....D

Monday, May 13, 2013

My Mommy's day experience. . . . . . . . . . . .

Hi y'all....Happy Monday to you! 

       How was your mommy's day?  Mine was horrid!!  The worst!!  Why well keep reading.....

It started out great, I woke up at around 9ish and sat down and drank my coffee in the peace and quiet of my living room.  I then got up and texted a few people happy mommy's day, called my MIL and my mom to wish them the same.  The kids and the Hubs rose and so we started our day.  I was asked by the hubs what I wanted to do today, -->this crossed my mind (The same thing we do every -mother's day- try and take over the world)  Go to the beach!!!    I want to go to the beach!  So we all got our swim suits on and then #1 strikes....

         Bear- Dad I started my period.
         Dad- ok
         Bear- the sharks will get me
         Me- (rolls eyes) Let's go!!

We head out after getting what few things we need packed.  (sample) ---> 4 towels, sunscreen (no one used)  nook, phone, sun glasses, and swim trunks for the boys. 

Stop at McD's for lunch and we are off.....We get about 20 miles or so from McD's and BOOM traffic!  *sigh*  Ok well it's ok.  I tell the large one that we are not in any hurry so chill!  (noon-ish)

About 2-ish we are still in said traffic and he is flipped his lid about 3 times....*sigh*  Traffic clears and we are off.....We make it to the beach at about 2:30pm, it isn't too full.....Just right......Bear informs her 'daddy' that she has to poop. . . . . WTF!!  We just left town . . . . . We just stopped at a Sonic so I could Pee before we came out to the beach why didn't you go there! ? ! ? ! 

Me being the parent says "ok lets just take her to the port-a-potty so she can go" because now she has informed me that she needs to change her *clears throat* lady thing too...

My husband on the other hand. . . ."No I will dig a hole and we will shield her because now I have to go too so you can shield me later" W T F ! ! !   "NO!!  WE WILL GO INTO TOWN!!!"

He is digging hole!  I just walked away....*sigh*  Why does this shit happen to me?  <--No pun intended. . . .   did I get an apology?  PFFT NO...  I was pissed at the both because we had 'neighbors' all around us and they know what is going on if someone makes a 'tent' against a truck.  uuggghhghghg!!  

OH and to top it off on the way home...yep you guessed it traffic again!!

How was your mommy's day?

Thursday, May 9, 2013

My name is Dawna and this is my story...

When I was asked to write this, I didn't have to think twice about it. The first answer that came to mind was absolutely, yes I will, but before I do so, it needs to be said that mental disorders or diseases of the mind are no more shameful than diseases of the heart, the lungs or any other organ of the body. They are just harder to comprehend, even by those of us who suffer from them. 
My name is Dawna LeMay and ten years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and OCD.
The first thing you need to know, is that I never would have taken the first step to see a psychiatrist to
get a diagnosis if it wasn't for the fact that I had a 4 year old son at the time and it was about 6 weeks after the death of my mother, who I had cared for, for four years. He was doing some silly thing that 4 year olds do and it was just more than I could take at that moment, and I sat on the staircase, literally ripping hair out of my head,crying and repeating, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." Words my son doesn't remember, but I will never forget. That even at this moment bring tears to my eyes.

Over the next year I went through extensive therapy, covering everything from sexual abuse by an uncle, a brother and a family friend, to the sometimes abominable way my own mother treated me and disrespected me growing up, causing me to question her love, almost right up until her dying day. An abusive relationship in my teens and a close call in my twenties...the cherry on top being in the position of playing 24 hour caregiver to the woman I still wasn't entirely sure loved me, but was certain that this was the one way of earning that love. Watching her slowly die for 36 months, spending long days in hospitals and longer nights at home struggling with whether I hoped she lived or died. I suppose you can understand where the PTSD comes in now?

Now, put that PTSD on top of some Bipolar. (Which is a condition both of my parents were diagnosed with. My father, back in the day when it was still called "manic depression" and my mother in her early 40's) I was told I was "rapid cycling." If you ask my son what that means, he will tell you that it means: "You'll be having a really funny conversation with her in the kitchen and she'll be making up her hilarious lyrics to songs while she's making dinner and by the time you're finished eating she will be sitting alone and want nothing to do with anyone." Yeah...that's rapid.

 I have been out of therapy and off medication for 8 years. A year after my mother passed and I had gotten myself more together, I moved with my son to CT to live with his dad and we finally got married. I weened myself off my meds and thought everything was going to be fine, since I was removed from all the things that were "triggers" for me.

However, over the course of the last several months I had begun to notice myself having less and less of my "highs" and they didn't last as long. My "lows" were coming more often and lasting longer. I was drinking more often (which was a big red flag for me, because I am a BIG TIME self medicator!!) On "Ash Wednesday" I went to the psychiatrist. On "Good Friday" I had my last drink
and on my grandfather's birthday (god rest his soul) I began trying to put my life together once again.
It is very important for people to know that there are so many places out there to get support. With todays technology you just type in the word and you have thousands of links to choose from!

If you suspect that someone you know is in trouble, talk to them, maybe you can encourage them to seek help, or even convince them to talk to their primary care physician who could advise them. Mental illness doesn't just go away over time (as I am finding out). Mental illness is very serious and very seriously overlooked. Many times because there are still so many who attach such a stigma to it.

I was asked if I wanted to post anonymously and I said that anonymity didn't matter to me. Helping matters. I don't care if my name is attached to it or not. But, if it isn't attached, I don't want anyone to think it's out of shame. I am very proud of everything that makes me who I am, including my struggles. Without my struggles, you wouldn't recognize my triumphs. <3