Thursday, March 28, 2013

My Child has........Oh so much

Friday Awareness Post From a friend.........

My SON is my 5th pregnancy.  My daughter passed away in1999.  When I found out a was pregnant, I was not excited, I was terrified.  I'd been down this road so many times.

I got prenatal care 3 weeks into this mess, week 6, 7, 8, and 9 went by, and then by week 10 I knew something was wrong!  With my blood working and internal ultrasound they found I had CRV(Toxoplasma gondii)from cat litter and uterine cancer.  The doctor says you need to consider an abortion because the fetus will never make it to term.  Well I said a few choice words and found another doctor. In my first trimester I was being monitored very closely.  Week 18 I started to bleed bad. The doctors gave my son (in utero) Christian shots to develop his lungs right then and there and stopped my labor.  Week 23 my uterus started to descend.  I stayed at a 90 degree slant upside down until week 32 then my water broke!  June 24 @ 6am they gave me a pill to dilate my cervix and every hour they probed me and it was so painful!!  Then at 6pm another pill because apparently even thou I am a larger person I have a small and tilted vagina...go figure.  Around midnight, 18 hours later and I'm only at 2cm...they hook me up to potassin...Then around 2ish Christians heart rate becomes erratic and then flat lines, they unhook me get me ready for emergency surgery when he starts to come around, so they let me be.  6am on the 25th roughly 24 hours later and I am still at 2... so they hook me up to potassin again with the same results.  The doctor schedules a C-section for 10 am. While monitoring my sac fluid.  I got into emergency surgery at 2 a saddle block (the parts of a patient's body that would touch a saddle if the patient were sitting in one are anesthetized by injecting a local anesthetic into the spinal cord) because they are running out of time.  I'm telling this bitch I feel her cutting, but she doesn't listen!  Then they pulled my baby boy out.  The last thing I remember is telling my biological mom I love her and to takes care of my son.  I knew I was dying. I seized ....fell off the operating table and went into a coma.  2 weeks had past when I woke much more I could tell but this lies the foundation for what plays ahead.......

He was so long and only 4 pounds.  He was my beanpole. 

After the feeding tube came out the fun began. 7 formulas until we found alimentum, which is $25 a can and wic only gave us 8 a you figure how many we had to buy.  We were at the doctors weekly because something was wrong.  OK, so again I will cut to the chase cause so much more to tell...Bean had 13 sets of tubes, 3 corrective eye surgeries, tonsils and adenoids out all by the age of 2.  He was doing breathing treatments since he was 3 months old and started singular at 1 year, crushed in applesauce.  He still was mute, so we taught him ASL(American Sign Language) which he still knows.  He hit most of the milestones, but let me tell you, I have video proof lol, he never crawled, he was up and running at 9 months.

By 1 he had already had 4 sets of stitches.  I never "hospital shopped" I always went to same er, even if it was a bump, just to make sure.  CPS showed a few days later, interviewed all my neighbors, they told her they had never seen a more amazing mother, even with all my health problems, (I had had 23 surgeries in my sons first 2 years of life) anyway CPS was there 11 minutes and I was calling 911....bean came running around the corner and hit the staircase head on.  She said ladies case closed, good luck at the hospital!

He was soooooo tall but sooooo behind in weight.  He was on formula until he was 3 1/2.  At 4 years old he reached 30 pounds, his asthma and allergy's were  finally under control, but to this day he dehydrates within minutes.  Oh yeah and when He was 16 months he was completely potty trained.  He wasn't having any part of the diaper thing! 

Skip ahead five years, yes bean was placed in preschool and as an educator I could already see developmental milestones not yet met, but I continued to push his verbal skills, so there are no words.  At the end of his kindergarten year sight words and reading were average, geography and science soaring above average, so what's left, math and communication skills didn't exist so I decided to hold him back.  The next year seemed to zoom by, he had caught up for the most part but he still was behind in math and communication, worst of all he had gotten to make one friend, then it happened I got sick.

6 months I was gone, and my baby had been bounced between our home and his grandparents.  So much more to tell but not enough time.  When I returned home from the nursing home everything had changed, Christian had relapsed in his studies, social and emotional skills were gone and my baby, who I fought so hard for, for 7 years, was unrecognizable to me.  Cruel and disrespectful, didn't give a damn about anything, not even school anymore.
  No one saw this?   No one told me, was everyone that ignorant.....really?  I know what you are thinking...why didn't I see, simple I had sepsis, I wasn't allowed visitors, I was contagious and he already had enough medical issues.  We talked everyday but obviously it wasn't enough.  School personnel said "He doesn't focus on his studies"  "He refuses to participate in the extra studies program I placed him in"  "He bounces of the wall, gets distracted easily, focuses on something and than obsesses"  "what social/emotional skills he had were gone"  I decided to seek help for him for us for everyone.  16 hours of testing, while starting individual therapy, and parents child interaction therapy each one weekly still to this day.  He has been clinically, legally, diagnosed with PTSD Severe OCD and ODD...ADHD and Asperger's moderate on the autistic spectrum of social/emotional disorders, basically a got mess and long ass road ahead.

We tried Adderall and his poor tummy oh it was bad, so that was only 3 days.  I let a month go by and we tried Focalin.  Um, yeah, no that was a week trial period and I pulled him off.  He was aggressive and beat the hell out of me with a broom after I came home from surgery.  Destroyed and broke everything, and I mean everything, I did have a lock down in someway....I was done with this. 

Another month went by and he was struggling in school and getting beat up almost daily for being different, so I put him in a program called trauma focus day treatment and education.  They were lacking in educating these kids but were fantastic in coping with all kinds of issues and social skills.  You name it they did it.  Meanwhile we tried the Daytona patch....again no...if he actually kept in on.  He was an emotional mess and if you looked at him wrong he would cry.  He was going great in day treatment, but I started to get concerned, he again was falling behind educationally, so I pushed to get his meds regulated, we tried conserta, a month went by with a very slight improvement, increased the dose, 2 months later or little more so we increased the dose and nothing changed, we increased the dose to max for his weight but still one more level, We couldn't touch so I did about one month worth of research on intutiv and asked  his doctor what she thought.  She thought that he was a little better but I knew that around Christmas time I wanted him in a real school, but in his "special" environment he needs I knew what I had to do. 

Funny, because, later that day I got a phone call saying Christian is am amazing child and was more than ready to graduate from the program than most seniors who get aged out, fastest child to ever complete the program!!
My baby did it and WE as a school and as a family celebrated for a whole week, anything he wanted to do we did, in this time conserta and intutiv still seemed to be worn off my noon.  We could not even do a fire drill at home because 3 pm was to late for him....He was more concerned about how the fire extinguisher worked, the a b c meaning, blah blah blah.  I continued to make phone calls to a private school that some of my own students had transferred to, and got him am interview. I wanted them to see him at his worst so there were no surprises so we went in the afternoon; more testing and monitored social interaction.  Guess what? My SON, was accepted as a student for the upcoming new school year.  He is in transition now slowly until we continue to tweak his meds and continue therapy twice a week.  We have recently added a very small dose of Ritalin at noon, no noticeable changes or effects but its only day 3, I have not really talked about home life because each day is different.  Do I believe in sun down syndrome hell yes....full moon effects hell the weather making him more hyper or more down...hell we argue....hell we play...hell we need space from each other...hell yes but you know the best question asked....DO WE TEACH AND LEARN FROM EACH OTHER....HELL YES.

Because no matter how sick I am....I fought with all my might to bring my special angel into this world and I will crush any disease or human who stands in his way to becoming an extraordinary person....

 He forever will be my beanpole.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Me and nothing...

I know that I have been neglecting this blog, but I have nothing to write about. 

There is no change in what the Horse Bitch is doing other than since she has been feeding, sometimes they get fed and sometimes they don't.  It is sad really and there isn't anything at this moment that we can do.  If we call the SPCA we will have to have proof that they are neglecting their animals and the only thing we can do is take photo's and note things, but then we run into the problem of them saying that we are lying or we are doing it to our own and blaming them.  I don't know what to do.

Do any of you know anyone that has been through this?  Can you give me some pointers?

In other news.  I have decided to give y'all a little back story on me!  Yay you!

 You all know that I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, and all of that family jazz...  Here is what you may not know.  I am a daughter of a man that is in prison.  He is in there for life for killing a man.  He has been in there since I was 14-15.  I was raised by my mom.  I was NOT a good kid.  Not even a little after I hit puberty.  I was wild because I didn't have that iron fist to bring me in anymore. I have a very fiery personality.  I can be vicious at times.  I guard my kids with my life.  I am alive because of my kids.  I believe that if it wasn't for them I would have most likely killed myself either on purpose or by accident.  I am a good person.  I will try to help you in any way that I can until you upset me.  You get three chances with me.  After the first I will not trust you any more but will still try and help. 

I don't want anyone's pity or sorrow over my life there are many others out there that are worse off than me.  I am not trash but I do live in a mobile home.  I respect my Mother in law but at times I really don't like her. 

I had my daughter at the age of 17.  <--wild side.....  I have raised her with the help of my husband.  We have both been on drugs in the past and have both overcame it.  That doesn't mean that we can't relapse because it is always a possibility, but we together strive not to.  

As a teenager I have been a very mean and hateful person.  If I could connect with the people that I was mean to I would apologize.  I was young and stupid.  I have several epiphany's a day, most I don't act on....hehe......   I will refuse help if I think I can do it myself.  <--that is a flaw of mine.  

If you have any questions about me ask! 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Gastroparesis, Ever Heard Of It? Well now you are aware!

Gastroparesis is not all that rare, But odds are you have never heard of it.  That is because most people are misdiagnosed sometimes even told it is just in their heads.

This blog is being wrote for a friend.

Living life with gastroparesis is very hard, there is no cure and not very good treatments. 

We need awareness so that more research can be done and we can filly have our lives back.   Gastroparesis affects everyone differently making treatment much harder.  The main symptoms of gastroparesis are weight loss, weight gain, malnutrition, extreme nausea and vomiting, bloating (to the point we will look nine month pregnant), heart burn, extreme pain, poor blood sugar control, feeling very full after only taking a few bites, GERD, poor appetite and when we are hungry we are still physically unable to eat, and many more.   It feels like we have a bad case of the flu and food poisoning everyday all day. If more research could be done we could find a way to cure this life altering disease that is affecting 5 million people. Gastroparesis translates to stomach paralysis. Our stomachs can not empty food in a normal fashion due to damage of the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is the nerve that regulates the digestive system. When the vagus nerve is damaged it prevents the muscles in the stomach and intestine from functioning, which in turn prevents food from traveling threw the digestive system properly. Most times the cause of gastroparesis is unknown, I am one of those people. They call it idiopathic, idiopathic is when the cause or source is unknown.

However there are also known causes some of them are uncontrolled diabetes, surgery where the vagus nerve got damaged, Medications like narcotics and some anti depressants, Parkinson's disease, multiple sclerosis, and other diseases, stomach viruses can also cause it. While highly uncomfortable for us it is also highly dangerous, when food stays in the stomach too long it can actually ferment, which leads to the growth of bacteria. Food in the stomach can also harden into a solid mass called a bezoar. Bezoars can cause obstructions in the stomach that keep food from passing into the small intestine, they are highly painful and can be life threatening. People who have both diabetes and gastroparesis may have more difficulty because when the food doesn't process threw the system at the normal rate blood sugar levels become unpredictable. Gastroparesis is misdiagnosed a lot but when it is diagnosed they use a few test.   There is a barium x-ray, Gastric emptying scans, scopings, the smart pill, ultrasound. To me the worst test is the gastric emptying scan. We are asked to eat eggs with a radioactive tracer within 10 minutes with two pieces of toast and a glass of milk. We also have to keep it all down, if 20% or more of the meal is thrown up you have to restart it. Last month i did this test again and vomited so i had to repeat it the next day, it is very hard for us to eat and eating sets of nausea, vomiting, and pain very bad for us.

There are drugs like Reglan to speed up digestive tract however it is black boxed (marked unsafe) by the FDA because it causes tremors, sudden death syndrome, and more. There are no "good" options for us. Nausea meds do not work very often for most of us. Some of it like phenergan can be dangerous also. Zofran is a common nausea medicine given to gastroparesis patients, it is originally intended to be a nausea meds for chemo patients. With my body (and many others i have talked to) the medicine quits working after a short period of time and we are forced to try another one. Every new medication increases risk of drug interactions, adverse side affects, and other problems.

The diet for everyone is different depending on what we can tolerate and that tends to change often. Fiber and fat are the two things we can not eat. Sadly that means that fruit and veggies are out of our diet. Fish and potatoes is what i survive on, others are not as lucky and have to rely on feeding tubes and TPN to get the nutrition they need to live. With any tubes there also comes a lot of risk. Infection is common and also can be deadly sadly. Also often with tubes after a few years you have organ failure and require transplants. With the low amount of research that has been done we are loosing people that are way to young to die.

There is no need for us to continue to suffer in silence and slowly starve to death, please help us raise awareness and get our lives back! There are a few facebook pages that me and many others rely on for advice, someone to listen. To be honest we have all became a big family, I personally could not fight gastroparesis without them. A point comes in your life where everything changes, for some the change is a new job or something great, for others like myself the change is an illness or something bad.

I was a perfectly normal, healthy young adult. It was as simple as I woke up one day and felt like i had the flu, i would eat and throw up like i had food poisoning, i was pregnant at the time so every doctor would tell me it was just extreme morning sickness and that it would go away, it never did. After I had my son i was still very sick every day so i went in to a different doctor and was told it was all in my head (sadly this is a common response we get from doctors due to the lack of research.  Roughly 9 out of 10 people with Gastroparesis have been told it is all in their head. This is very common before diagnosis and sadly even after we are diagnosed. We are told everything from we choose to be sick, we just have a eating disorder, we are druggies looking for pain medication, if it is a rude vulgar thing to say to someone suffering from a incurable disease odds are we have heard it. Not only do doctors do this tho, wives, husbands, friends, parents, many people are not understanding of this disease. I believe this is because it is so scary it is much easier to pretend it isn't happening, and other times i believe it is because we do not LOOK sick.). I continued seeing different doctors until finally one that was just out of med school remembered studying it for an exam and sent me
over to the hospital for my first of many gastric emptying scans. It showed up severely delayed and i was finally diagnosed with gastroparesis. The diagnosis was bitter sweet news for me, while nice to know what was wrong with me I was also informed that there was no cure and very limited treatments. They tried injecting botox into my stomach twice with no success, the gastric pacemaker tends to only work in diabetic patients so it is not an option for me, the pills have side affects, feeding tubes run high risk. I wish we could go to the black market and buy a new stomach, sadly we can't do that so we are forced to live each day in pain, miserable, and malnourished. We suffer in silence and need awareness, we need research, we need a cure or better safer treatments, we need our lives back.

Something to read...
A good friend of mine and fellow fighter of gastroparesis LaShelle Shuman created the GreensNotEasy Gastroparesis page, their website is She is the definition of a survivor, she has overcome so much and not only holds her head high, she lifts us up when we are down. She has helped so many people, below is her story of her fight with Gastroparesis and PKD (please go to to learn more about PKD). This story is from her blog that can be found at And here is her story!

I can remember almost every detail about the day that I first got sick. My husband was stationed at Camp Humphreys in South Korea on a two-year tour and we were there together. I remember that it was a Saturday night because every Saturday night since my husband and I got married, we make it a point to have date night. As was our usual date-night custom… we wandered through the Ville (Korean market place) looking over the local restaurants. As usual, we picked up a pizza at the only decent Korean pizza restaurant we could find in town and we headed over to the tiny hole-in-the-wall movie shop to pick up a movie to buy and take home.  When we were done window-shopping, we made our way home to our 3-bedroom apartment off base. We didn’t have to look too carefully to see the mushy, wet rice paddy fields behind our apartment as we made our way up chilly marble steps and through our front door. Slipping off our shoes in the tiny foyer, my husband and I quickly cut to the chase by popping the movie we choose into our DVD player. We propped our feet up on the coffee table with the pizza box in our laps and the lid dangling over the edge of our uncomfortably small Korean sofa. I felt really hungry so I ate most of my pizza rather quickly and rested with my arm wrapped around my husband’s neck as the movie played on and the opening credits rolled.
I remember feeling blissfully happy. I was 19 years old (I got married at 18) and I (unlike many other Army wives whose husbands were deployed) got to be with my husband and didn’t have to worry over his safety. I also got to travel and live in another country with the man I loved when all of my friends we’re still stuck stateside. As the movie was nearing the end and I sat there with my arm around my hubby while nibbling on half a slice of uneaten pizza that’s when it hit me. Something was wrong. Something was very, VERY wrong with my stomach and just like that… my life changed forever. I spent the rest of that night vomiting everything I ate in the bathroom toilet. ‘It’s just the flu, It’s just the flu,’ is what I kept telling myself as I hung my head over the cold porcelain edges, but I had no idea how wrong I was.  I hardly remember the last year that we spent in Korea. I was only there for 6 months before I got sick. From the first night that I got sick to many, many months later, I vomited up everything I ate and drank (including water) without ceasing. I slept more than 48 hours
straight without so much as waking up to use the bathroom. I slept more than I was able to be awake. The little stray kitten (known as “Boo” short for “Boo-boo kitty”) that my husband had caught and given me, would lie on my chest and every so often he would pat my face with his paw until I could open my eyes. He would stare up at me with big sympathetic green eyes, and mew at me as if he was checking to see if I was still alive. Boo would then let me go back to sleep and repeat the process every several hours. Having Boo lay with me is a comfort that I will never forget.  I was so sick and malnourished that I could hardly walk to the bathroom to throw up. I dropped weight so fast that I often had to crawl my way to the bathroom or risk passing out from trying to stand up. I threw up until my hands and my body began to tremble and I started having what I like to call “Swiss cheese” memory. People would stop by to see me or call and have conversations with me and Icouldn’t remember any of it, not one word. New friends of my husband’s would stop-by to visit and their faces have since been lost in my memory like the holes in Swiss cheese. As if you knew at one point that your memory was intact but bits and pieces we’re just eaten away by pain and malnourishment. Most of the time however, I felt like I was either dreaming or half dead. 

Since my husband was in the Army, he worked a lot. He tried to help take me to the hospital a few times but between the Army doctors and his NCO’s (Non-Commissioned Officers -his bosses), things we’re not going in my favor. His NCO’s wouldn’t allow him to take the time off work to help me and the military doctors told him that I had the flu, that I was starving myself, making myself puke, that I was making it up, and that I needed to see a therapist. It was at this time that my husband started to drink a lot more. He was 19 or 20 years old at the time and he didn't know what to do, who to believe, how to help me, or how to fix it. No one had given us any kind of “how-to-help-your-wife-when-she-is-dying” books or any kind of guidelines. We were young, newlyweds, and he was too lost to help me. As I fell further into malnutrition and starvation, my wonderful husband fell further and further into a disease of his own, alcoholism. I was too sick and too far-gone with my own illness that I never even noticed.  I couldn't speak but a few words in Korean, so I couldn't call a taxi to pick me up to take me to the hospital on post (the TMC) and since we lived off post, I had to walk. To say it was a very, very long walk for a small 5'2 woman who now weighed 64 lbs. would be an understatement. I cried the whole way there. I had to keep making stops along the way. I had to stop to rest and sit on a curb, stop to vomit, stop to hold my stomach while another wave of abdominal pain swept through my body leaving me a quivering mess, and stop to avoid passing out in the middle of the street. I didn’t really “walk” to the T.M.C; No, I crawled my way up the road just to get there. I went to the hospital as many times as I could because they refused to admit me. My clothes no longer fit and hung limply off my body, so I made the hospital weigh me every time I went to see them. I re-explained my symptoms with every visit and I waited as they brought in other patients first and saved me for last. I had nowhere else to go. My life was in shambles, and I was half way around the world from any of my family members or friends. I thought for sure that I was going to die there.  It took almost 6 months of fighting with the Army doctors to get them to admit me. In order to be admitted they had to put me in an ambulance and take me to Osan Air Force base, which was over an hour away. Just getting the IV into my arm to get me to Osan was scary for me. I was SO afraid of needles that I curled up into the fetal position and cried as they put the IV into my arm before transporting me to Osan. I have hated hospitals, doctors, and needles all my life. Before I got sick, I had a strong phobia for any and all things medical. If anyone so much as mentioned having to get a shot, my palms would go damp and my heart-rate would sky-rocket. At one point when I was young I felt as if I would rather have died than have to get a needle put in my arm or have surgery. As afraid as I was, I felt too sick and close to death not to allow them to shove that needle through my flesh. I wanted the pain to end so much more than I cared about my phobia so I forced myself to overcome my fear to get some desperately needed help. I didn’t want to have to suffer any more and after months of pain and nausea, I honestly thought at one point that if this was the way my life was going to be from now on… death was far more merciful.  Once at Osan, I had several tests done but in the end, the only thing that they could find wrong with me was that they said I needed to see a neurologist for a kidney disease called Polycystic Kidney disease (all the CT scans for my stomach came back normal). I was scared to death because they said they were quite certain that I had it. Note: a year later when I got back to the states a doctor who claimed to be a specialist told me Ididn’t have PKD. I wanted to believe him so Ididn’t get a second opinion. It wasn’t until years later while under the care of a GI doctor at Mayo Clinic that I was sent to a better neurologist, who confirmed my PKD diagnosis by doing an MRI (Currently I have 14 cysts on my left kidney, too many to count on my right, and one is the size of a baseball. Eventually I may need a kidney transplant).  When I heard the news that I had PKD for the first time at Osan hospital, I didn’t know what PKD even was and my doctor didn’t really explain it. The first thing I thought was that PKD meant that I was going to die. I curled up in the fetal position wearing my hospital gown, in my small hospital bed as nurses walked briskly past my door and machines beeped and buzzed away. I pulled the sheets up over my head, wrapped my arms around my legs, and I cried so hard that I was gasping for air. That's the way my husband found me when he came to visit me in the hospital, sobbing in the fetal position under the hospital sheets. He wrapped his arms around me after I told him what the doctor told me in-between sobbing heaves and then we cried together.
Nearing the end of my husband’s 2-year deployment to South Korea, I was still vomiting quite often, but the IV’s from the hospital did help kick start me up again. I thought that getting a diagnosis would be the end of my hospital visits or at least give me comfort... boy was I wrong! I had no idea just how sick I was and I am so glad that no one ever told me just how hard my life was going to be. I think that if they had, I would have been so afraid of what was to come that I wouldn’t have been able to go on.  I remember thinking, "it's all over now," as I sealed up some of our boxes in our Korean apartment that were being shipped back to our new home in the United States. To this day, that’s the only thing I really remember about packing to come home to the states.  Six years, two surgeries, many hospital visits, and 6 months spent at Mayo Clinic later, I was finally diagnosed with Gastroparesis. I may not have known the name or the ugly face of GP then, but I sure know what its ugly face looks like now!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Horse B**ch!

I know that you have to get tired of me bitching and moaning horse bitch but here it goes again...

I really really hate her!  She is Psycho like really really!!  She sent me a text message 2 days ago saying that she didn't want me to feed her horses anymore.  I said Ok.  I was really happy that I wasn't going to have to do that.  She also said that I was supposed to feed her horses twice a day.  Um don't tell the person that is feeding your animals that she is supposed to do something when you aren't offering them anything in return. 

Then yesterday she text me that she was going to be moving her horses but she wasn't going to tell me when so not to ask.  WTF I don't care!  This is how the rest of the day went.....

Her MIL telling me all kinds of things like what her last name is, what to go online and look for, what all she was saying involving our horses, ect. ect.  So by the time feeding time came around I was down there and waiting for them so WE could feed.  First off they had me waiting for over and hour and a half, now you say well why didn't you just feed yours, well that is a great question. 
Answer is because they are in a pasture and to do that I would have to either a) take them out and hold them on lead ropes until they finish eating; or b) shoo away the other horses with a whip until mine are done, which by the way doesn't work so (a) it would have been. 
So I decided to be the better person and wait because me and the hubs had had a talk the night before and decided that since they are moving their horses we would build (with barbwire) a little corral for her two horses to be in because....

 They don't help us pay for hay. They don't help us carry water down to the horses.  They don't like to worm their horses when we do (because they are difficult!)
 When they finally pulled up down the street and hour and a half later I was like "thank god!"  HA!  They stayed in the house for another 30 minutes 'visiting' I guess.  They finally start my way with horse feed in hand.  After all horses are fed I walk close (10-15 feet from them) to them and say
 "Hey since you guys are wanting to feed 2 times a day to my one and since you guys are wanting to finally take responsibility for your animals, we are going to put up a corral for your horses so we don't have to keep supplying all of the hay and water for your horses too." 
 You would have thought that I suggested that they put the horses down or something.  She (horse bitch) flipped the hell out on me.  Calling me names, telling me to mind my own business, all kinds of shit. 

Then, THEN, the little psycho bitch accused us of stealing her feed!  That is when I jumped back! I told her when can we steal your feed?!  Your MIL has been giving us the buckets!!! <--BITCH!!   I may be alot of things but a thief is not one of them.  They owe us money for feed, hay, time, I mean I could go on and on and on!!  She thought that it was wrong that I suggested such a thing.  Fuck you bitch!!!   Then she said something that I am sure she regretted immediately.  She said "You shouldn't have let that fat girl ride on your horse. He is to thin to be carrying her!"  I said "What?"  Thinking she mis-spoke, and she said it again.  Just so you all know the "fat girl" that she is talking about just so happens to own the land and is my cousin.   Yep!  So I told her "I will make sure that your horses are gone in two weeks now!" <--She is still deny-ing sending that text)  After I said that she says "They will make you move yours before we have to move ours."  I said "Really, They are my family you dumbass!!!"  Oh just so you know I also was repeating, out loud, to her, "your lucky your pregnant because if you weren't I would whoop your fuckin ass!!!  You are fucking psycho!!!" 

After that all I would say to her as she was still Yelling was (flip her off) "fuck you Psycho!"

God, I hate her, she made me cry later that day. I am NOT a cryer!  Well not over people! 

Oh I forgot to share that she has had horses seized from her before for starving them.  Link here   Make sure you share it around!  So maybe the county will come and rescue these horses, because if it wasn't for us having horses down there they might be dead.   

Friday, March 8, 2013

My Kid :0)

Yeah I know, my idea's are not always that great, but I think you might like this one! 

So I was sitting here and thinking about how yesterday I said that we were going to start doing something for Friday's, right?  Well I got it.  Friday will forever be known as Save me day...

Save me day is going to be about saving someone or something that is special to you and that was created when I read the blog about a woman and her child that has Autism. Link here <--- 

My child has ADHD and for a long time I didn't know what was wrong with her.  I just thought she was a 'bad' kid.  She was really bad.  She would hide under her desk at school, throw stuff, cuss, scream, hit, fight teachers and kids, it was bad.  One day I had had enough, she was in 3rd grade and was not even close to passing and this was the beginning of the year. I thought all kids passed the first 6 weeks.  Wow was I proven wrong.  Bear was like a tornado one minute and a sweet angel that just wanted a hug the next.  I was having weekly visits with her teachers in the third month into 3rd grade when one of them finally ask me, "Have you ever had her tested for ADHD?"  <---What the hell is that?!  I had no clue that there was such a thing.

I mean come on folks, I was at the end of my rope.  I thought that I just didn't need to raise kids.  I was really screwing this one up bad!  I would cry nightly about this while looking at boot camp schools to send her too.  I just couldn't do it any more.  I was so depressed and I was thinking of calling my mom, whom I hadn't spoken to in 2 years to just come and get her and she can raise her!!!

That afternoon I called her doctor and asked about it.  He said come and pick up these papers so you and the teachers can fill them out and return them to me.  I said how late are you open?  I went, got the papers, took them to the teachers, had all of it filled out and turned back in that day!  The next day the doctor called me and said that they needed me to bring her in, and if this afternoon was OK?  OMG do you want me to go and get her now!!!!???? 

After I took her in and they put her on Focolin XR it was Night and Day!  Literally!  I was back in love with my child.  She was my sweet baby again!!!  Now though that she has been 'labeled' I have to fight for her daily...

I have to have yearly meeting with the school so they can tell me the 'goals' for that year with her.  It is in her record that she has ADHD so all of her teachers automatically treat her as if she is a 'bad' kid still.  They don't give her second chances like a child without a problem would get.  The first time she messes up she gets sent to the principle's office. 

This is my story...Next week I would love to hear yours!  And remember that child you see in front of you acting out may just be struggling with his/her own problems, so before you label him/her stop and think about my story.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

My turn!!! oh oh oh ME ME!

I know that you are reading my blog because I see you doing it!  So why don't you go and like the page that created it on Facebook <--Link to it there!

 I am thinking of going and doing something special every Friday on here.  Like a look at me kinda thing!  Whatcha' think?

Suggestions of what I could do would be great!   Maybe, once a month, have a ask me anything kinda blog?  That would be cool, right?  Or a funny photo day, where I post nothing but silly pictures!  I don't know...

If you are a new mom and need advice on what I do or could send me an email <--Link.....and ask me and I will blog about it!  Anything....Y'all should know by now I will post anything!  So let's hear it....Or maybe embarrassing stories like...I can't believe she did that, or The strangest place you have ?  ANYTHING REALLY!!!  Until I get some feed back I will turn Friday into a Photo day until you send me something!  Hurry there are enough blogs with funny pictures on them!!!!!

Why can't we be friends?

A really good friend is so very hard to catch...They are like a good man!  If you find one that you like, someone else already has them. 

I have had many of acquaintance but I have only had one real friend (besides Mertis).  She was my BEST-FRIEND!  Like seriously, we had key chains and everything!  I loved her so much.  I still do!  Her daughter is the best thing since fried chicken!  She was an easy friend to make.  We met in high school.  After I pulled the stunt of getting pregnant and dropping out of school we kinda lost touch for a while.  I found her again in my 20's after having my second child and she was pregnant with her first!  It was meant to be!  Had to be, otherwise we wouldn't have found each other again, right!?  Oh I didn't know all of the problems that she had accumulated over the years.  I learned to look past them, but they were still there.  They will always be there! 

I am not sure if you know this or not but I am a bit of a bitch!  Always have been!

 She was ok with this and my many other problems.  Like not feeling I was loved, or needing.  My OCD about everything.  My husband.  My kids and being a mother bear over them.  All of my problems.

I guess you could say that I was the bad friend too though.  She had her own problems.  She wasn't faithful to her husband.  I doubt he was to her though.  She took pills.  Lots of pills.  She always had better things to do.  She would stand me up constantly for everything, IE: movies, shopping, etc....  <--That is what did it for me finally.  I was tired of always clearing my schedule for her and I to go do something only to be forgotten.  She wouldn't even call to let me know that she wasn't coming.  She just wouldn't show up, wouldn't take my calls or messages.  Then later tell me that she was busy and forgot.  Really?!  So I was done.

Now I am trying to find another friend.  It's hard to find someone that will take all of your problems, but that you are ok dealing with theirs to.  Let me just say people have problems.  Some people only want to be your friend when it is convenient for them.  Some want to just use you and then dump you.  Some will surprise you.

 Case in point.   I was taking my kids to daycare (a long time ago).  There was a girl up there and we sorta "hit it off "  I was unaware that she and her husband were 'swingers'!  OMG, when I found out that I was a perfect 'match' for her husband and my husband for her, I ran, FAST!  That is not ok with me.  I have found my partner and do not want none of yours.  It is nice of you to share but not with me, thank you!

Another person I thought was a friend.  I worked with her and she was so nice.  We didn't hit it off right away but we grew on each other.  At work we were inseparable.  We called each other on the phone all the time and we made plans to go places that never quite worked out.  Then I broke my leg.  Lost my job.  Had to stay home.  Was on strict bed rest.  She stopped calling.  Stopped messaging me on FB.  Then I send her a happy birthday message.  She says thanks.  I see on a mutual friends page that she had a B-day party and didn't invite me.  I am still not sure as to why.  I think it may have been because we were not the same race.  Everyone there was of a certain Ethnicity.  I don't know.  I voiced my "M-ness" and was deleted from said page never to be heard from again.

So can you answer the question of the day, week, month, year, century.....Why are friends so freakin' hard to find and then keep?

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Some more...

About Me!  You want to know more about me?! 

Ok so No one really wants to know more about me but I am Stealing this off of Humble's page because I thought it was cute!  If she finds out and is upset over it I will kindly take it down, but come on.......

So here is a little more about me.....

1. Where were you born?  Houston, Texas

2. Were you named after someone?
I was told that I was names after my Aunt that passed when she was 11 years old...

3. How many children do you have?
  Two..Bear 14 y/o and Bubba 11 y/o

4. How many pets do you have?  2 Horses, 3 dogs, and 1 cat

5. Your worst injury? My Recently broken leg...OH That was a bitch to overcome..I also 14 years ago went through 27 hours of labor with the eldest...

6. Do you have a special talent? No...not that I know of...I can go from sweet and innocent to your worst nightmare in about 2 seconds flat.
7. Favorite thing to bake? Nothing I hate baking....I love to cook!  If it is something that I have never cooked before that is even better!!! (NOT BAKING)

8. Favorite Fast Food? I really like Sonic, but recent events have made it more difficult to have here lately...


10. What is the first thing you notice about people?  Eyes...Teeth <-- That's funny because my teeth are not perfect and that is one of the first things I notice...

11. When was the last time you cried?  Every night!  Over my long lost Charlie!!!  :(

12. Any current worries? My kids will not grow up to be everything that they dream of ( or that I dream of them being)

13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly. Coffee, Dr Pepper, Chocolate Milk.

14. What’s your favorite book?  I don't have a favorite one.  I will read almost anything!

15. Would you like to be a pirate? OMG to be able to say "WALK THEE PLANK MAITY!" Would be epic!

16. Favorite Smells? Fresh cut grass, a clean man, Snuggle (the blue one) Spring!
17. Why do you blog?  Mostly to vent.  I don't really have any 'girlfriends' because I am a bitch and because once I make a friend I expect it to last forever and I am really dissapointed when something happens and it doesn't...

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?
   Humm...I have never really thought about.  Something off the wall maybe.  How about Wild thang for when people are coming in to sit down! <--EPIC! <--(New word)  Then just so I know everyone will be crying, Live like you were Dying...

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? That I speak my mind ALL THE TIME!  I can't seem to keep my mouth shut!

20. Favorite hobby? Well right now it is my garden and I am trying to get some chickens...That is bound to change though, give me a few weeks!

21. Name Something you’ve done, you never thought you would do? Have kids. 

22. What do you look for in a friend? Loyalty, Won't stand you up, Will listen and not always think that the world revolves around them, Not a drug user (sorry), There is alo.t How about I blog about it :)

23. Favorite fun things to do?  Spend time outside (when it's cool enough) Used to be ride my horses...

24. Pet peeves?  Moving anything in my house!  Please don't touch my shit!  Cussing around small kids that are not yours.  Talking on the phone at a resturant.  Putting words in my mouth <--Seriously, don't do that!  Trying to get me to change my views on Pro-whatever!  NO!

25. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? I sure it was something I saw on FB!

Ok So that was a little on me!  Hope you enjoyed it! 

Monday, March 4, 2013


Family is a funny thing, isn’t it?

Some love you so much that you feel they are smothering you…

Some could care less if you fell from a bridge a week ago and they haven’t heard from you!

Mine is a little mixed…

My family could care less about one another is the way I feel most of the time.  Some of that could be the depression talking but most of it is true.  I have a strange family.  The last time we were al together my sister refused to talk to my grandma because she couldn’t fly to Ohio for her wedding.  I on the other hand have started talking to my whole family again and you really couldn’t even tell.  I feel like no one really cares about me.  I feel like if I were to pass away tomorrow the only ones that would morn my death would be my husband and my kids.  Let me tell you a little bit…..




I have always felt like I was not loved.  My mother did not tell us she loved us until I was in my 30’s.  My mother blamed me for her depression after my dad was sent away.  Me, because I couldn’t stand living with my grandpa, and spent most of my time away from there.  She thinks that I should have spent every waking moment making sure she was ok.  I was 14.  I can remember standing at the screen door at maybe age 4 or 5 and crying because she left for work.  I can remember always feeling that I was adopted and the disappointment in finding out I wasn’t…ßsad right?  I don’t know why she was like this.  All I do know is I have fought tooth and nail to NOT be like her!!!  

She let her husband kick us out of our home of 7 years because he needed an office…I didn’t speak to her for 3 years after that.  Then the Charlie thing happened and I thought “GOD, why did I come back!!!”  While I was mad at her my grandma said some things that she will deny till the day she dies and I missed my Aunt Jackie’s Funeral…L   ß  I miss her! 


On the other hand my MIL smothers us.  She bought us a house…ßgreat right ‘sigh’…I wish.  She bought it so we could stay next to her F-O-R-E-V-E-R!  J  She isn’t so bad (most of the time) ….


I am posting all of this because my sister is Pregnant.  She went to find the sex today.  She hasn’t called me yet.  HER MIL POSTED THE SEX ON FB!  I am just a depressed bitch is all.  Believe it or not I am not even PMSing!  Lol….. 

Friday, March 1, 2013


So I sit here and I think...What can I tell y'all this week that will just blow you away?  Guess what?  I have nothing!  Nada, Zilch, not a damn thing and I am pissed about that!  So because you were so sweet to come and see what type of gibberish I have wrote about this week I will have to improvise...

My parenting style...I am forewarning you that it may disturb you the way I parent...I am blunt with my kids.  If I get pissed at them, they will know it because I will be screaming, yelling, cussing, and everything else.  Now before you get your panties in a wad let me just say that they stand there and look at me when I am doing this with a smile on their face.  They know that I am throwing empty threats, so calm your tits! 

I am also very open with them about life.  If they ask me a question that makes me uncomfortable, well I just muscle through it and tell it like it really is.  Which kinda has back fired on me because they are also very open with me.  My daughter quite often tells me shit that I would rather not know, and my son thinks that it is cute to tell me how many 'hairs' he has down there!  AAHHHHHHH!!!!!  I really don't need to know that.

I think I am a good parent.  If you tell me any different I will hurt you.  I am the type of parent that my MIL calls a 'momma bear' because if you mess with my babies I WILL HURT YOU!   Seriously.  I don't play like that...Those are my kids and I will protect them with everything in me.  My kids are the main reason me and the MIL fight.  She doesn't think that I should protect them as much as I do.  She thinks that she should be able to come out and tell them what to do with me sitting there.  PFFT......

I don't let my kids go anywhere unless I do a child predator check first in that area.  If by chance (this has happened) I arrive at the house and I don't like the way it looks.  Be prepared to be royally embarrassed because I will leave!  Bear, the whole way home says "OMG MOM YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE FOREVER!!!"  Have I ruined you life because I think I may have just made it to where my daughter will graduate and do great in life...Bear has 2 good friends...That being said, they are a year younger than her(she was held back) and both of them are on birth control!  It isn't because they need to regulate their periods...NO it is because they are having sex, REGULARLY!!!!  Hello, good momma, right here!  My child is not having sex yet, WHEW!  Oh how do I know you ask?  Because she can't go anywhere!  That and I know that she would tell me or her dad <again we are an open family)...Her one friend's parents will bring her over to see her boyfriend, who lives one street over from us, but won't bring her here.  Strange right?!  Makes me think that they want her to have sex.

Now my sister, I love her, but lord help her style of parenting.  I cannot tell you how many times she has called me saying something like 'M HELP, HOW DO YOU GET _________________(fill in with some type of creamy liquid) out of (hair, carpet, clothes, walls, ect.....)  Now you could say that she needs to watch her kids better......(you could say it, it's ok)  I do find humor in it though.  I would spend hours laughing afterwards... 

Her youngest would get onto the counter tops and pull out all of the dishes from the cabinet.  Good thing they were plastic.   I can't parent like that....

I guess you could say that I am an average parent, but I am sure that if I wasn't 17 when I had my first and I had waited until late 20's or so I would have been superb!  Yeah probably not, but hey!

What is your style of parenting?