All over the place....

Ok so I am home today with the kids because of the "winter weather alert" <---pfft!  They are smoking crack or something.  The most I see is a little sleet on the trucks.  Nothing sticking on the ground or the stairs or even the windows.

                                     What the hell people!!

 You cancel school, close all the buildings, shit down streets, and for what?!  Some cold freakin rain!!!  It is barely in the 20's!!

 I am really pissed y'all.  What the hell am I supposed to do with these little sh--darlins all day?  I believe that Patti over at Insane in the mom brain suggested Benadryl at one point, or was that for sex?  Who cares!  I am protesting winter!!  I will not take it anymore.  Texas is not one that needs this shit!!!  Pack your shit and GTFO mother nature!!!

All I gotta say is the next time the school is closed because of the 'winter weather' they can suck my balls!!!  I am gonna send them anyways!!

I know I have been MIA for a while, and well honestly I just haven't been in the mood to write.  I feel let down here lately.  I think women suck balls or I am just not made for friends.  I don't know.

What is the saying about if you change people, and things are still the same, it must be you; or some shit like that.  Yep must be me that is making things difficult.  I don't know.  I feel like I am a hard person to like, but an easy person to love if that makes sense.

I have 'friends' I guess but we don't speak that much.  I feel like a therapist sometimes because I am there when 'people' need to vent to me or cry on my shoulder but it feels like I don't have anyone most of the time.

Damn I am all over the place today.

Freakin kids need to go back to school!!!

Two for one is not always cool.

I feel like I have been socked in the stomach.  You all know that my BFF is sick and I am totally afraid of losing her.  Now it has finally hit me that I am not only going to lose her but I am also losing my Aunt.

Tina and her Mean doggy

 I love my aunt as much as I love my mom.
 She was the fun aunt.
 She was the one that you would go to if you were in trouble or wanted to get into trouble.

I was asked today by my mom if I could go with her and find something that we can lay her to "sleep" in forever.  She kinda caught me off guard.  Isn't that something that her son is supposed to do?  I am going to have to help my mom and my grandma plan a funeral for a daughter, sister, mom, aunt, and friend to so many.  So many that haven't seen her since she got sick.

My husband asked me tonight why we were having a closed casket?  Well because if someone wanted to see her they should have given her the respect to see her now when it counts.  I for one don't want people coming in and gawking at her when she is finally at peace.  No one goes to see her now.  My mom, my grandma, me, and sometimes when he can my uncle.  Her son has came down to see her twice in two years.  He doesn't care about anything but getting his grubby little hands on what she has left.

My Aunt Tina and Cousin Kelly.

I don't know if I will be able to do any of this sober.  I pray that I can but as I write this I am falling apart.  I am so very scared of losing her and T.G. at the same time.  I don't think that as strong of a person that I am that I will be ok after that.

My aunt when I was around 16 thought that it would be funny to come up to my cousin's room with some wild turkey and give me and Christi a shot of it.  Wow that was some nasty shit.  She was also the one that let me stay with her during the summer of 94' when I went to band camp at SFA.  If she wouldn't have let me stay with her I wouldn't have been able to go.  Thank you TT for being there for me and showing me that sometimes you just have to have a little fun in life and let go.



She is and always will be my Aunt TT....... </3  My heart is breaking.  Mostly for her and the fact that she has no visitors...none.  It is sad that the end of her days and she will be spending them alone.   

My Luck

So I don’t know if you all remember that I had great news a while back?

Well the person that bought my Charlie from me was going to sell him back to me. 

She called my mom and told her that she could no longer take care of him and needed to sell him.  So my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to buy him for $300.00 from Monica Cooper? 

OMG!  Yes I am wanting him back!!  Have you been in an accident and gotten amnesia?  Give me a couple of days to get everything together and I will call you back. 

 

So that was two weeks ago that we had that conversation.  We have had many in between there mostly about when I was going to be able to go and get him.  I am/was in the process of getting our fence up so that we can have all of our horses in the same pasture.  That takes time and money, but, we were finishing it up this coming weekend and I would be able to come and get him this coming week.  I had even went as far as telling my SD that if she needs feed or hay for him to let me know and I will bring it by so that she wouldn’t have to worry about him.  He called a few hours after that and told me that she said that she just needs him gone.  OH.  Ok. 

About a week later I saw in our little paper that some woman with grey short hair and a grey trailer had dropped of two horses at a stable and one of them were in horrific condition!  OMG how could anyone do that?  Why wouldn’t you just try your damnedest to find them a place to live before starving them like that?!  A couple of days after that I got a call from my mom that Monica had dropped off Charlie with a lady that has several (15) acre’s and that when I am ready that I need to go and get him from there. 

Flash forward to today.  I am writing this with such a heavy heart.  That was my Charlie that was in the paper.  I am beside myself.  Why!? Why did she not just call and say please just come and get him.  I cannot feed him.  My Charlie passed away that same day he was dropped off.  My Charlie will never be mine again.  I am so deeply hurt!  So hurt! 

I want her sentenced to life of near starvation EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!  Look at my horse!!!  WHY!!!
 

Here is his ending :'(

Me and my Crazy ass Family............

This is a guest blog.....She needed to rant for a minute and maybe get some feedback......Maybe she will be a regular here... 

OK so my family is selfish and self centered to a point that I do not understand. The day that my husband gets out of the hospital I beg him to go down to help my parents move, because none of my other siblings are helping them. We go down to find that there is not even anything packed and that the house is gross to he point you want to vomit, because no one has done anything there in months.

Now keep in mind that there are 4 adults and a baby living there(my parents and my sister her man and their child). They have known for well over a month that the moving day was coming, and yet no one has made any attempt to do anything!

Anyways, we bust our asses for like 7 hours to make a dent in this fucking mess, and realize its almost 10pm. My boys are tired, hungry, and way past ready to go home. Time for us to leave we go out to the car, and the mother fucker will not start, JUST GREAT!!! We are stranded!

So we go to the new trailer, and make a deal that would eventually start the fight of the century.

Since my father owns a shop we ask him to fix the car, and that we would stay and help him. Wednesday morning we get up, and it's this, that, and the other helping my father.  About 5 pm they go and get the bracket for the alternator just to find out that it also needs another alternator (which will have to wait until Thursday now because its so late). So we continue to work on getting my parents moved, and our son goes into complete meltdown mode because he is tired of being in ass raping country with nothing to do. I call my biological mom to see if he can go stay with her until the car is fixed and we get back home. By now I have three rooms completely done! (well not cleaned but packed and emptied) can't really do anymore at this point because my mom has her room to do, and my sisters nasty fucking room that I refuse to touch! Thursday comes around and more moving and packing and this, that, and the other, they get the part for the car around 4pm, and realize that they need another bolt...oHMG are you kidding me? So we continue to work; all the while my diabetic husband hasn't had a descent meal in days because the gas is not hooked up to cook... so he is pretty  much an ass at this point. Thursday, Friday same shit Saturday. By that time my husband has had it, so I tell him to head home and get our son I would finish there and they could come back and get me early Sunday morning.

I was at the trailer waiting on my father and working around my sisters shit. In the meantime my other sister showed up acting like she was a hard ass and in charge of everything! Um no bitch, I do not think so, I have been here for days doing this shit and she was not about to come in and tell me what to do! Well, when my father decided to show up we got into an argument because I was tired by this point of working around my sisters shit. My other sister and I decided to say fuck it; went into the room from hell, and went to town. Weeks of fucking dirty ass diapers and ash trays and just filth!! Disgusting! I do not see how anyone can live like that let alone keep a child in that environment!

During all this fucking insanity, another scenario....my moms mom bought all her grandchildren porcelain dolls named after them, that have been in my mothers possession since her mom passed away. I didn't get one because I came into the picture after she had passed away. So over the years, my mother had collected other dolls, that she said I could have after she was gone. That is not the point, the point is she had decided to give my siblings their dolls, and I had asked her if I could have mine too, she said yes, but by the end of the night she had asked if she could keep mine until she was gone because she loved the dolls.
                  Do you have any clue how that made me feel?

Out of all my siblings I am probably the only one that will cherish and take care of the dolls. Whatever, I was selfish and didn't give them back. To top that off I had asked my father if I could have the cabinet in my moms room, he said I had to ask my mom, so I did and she said she didn't care. When I was ready to load my stuff up to get ready to go, my father said that he wanted that cabinet, and the only way I could keep it was to trade him my recliner. Seriously!  Are you kidding me?! I have been here for days and busted my ass to help and you are going to come at me like that with some dumb shit!!!  WTF?

Last but not least during this whole horrible fucking week I sold my father my bed that is well worth over a grand... I sold it to him for furnishing the work that needs done on the car and 100 cash. I called him today because I really need the money,  and he proceeds to tell me that I cant have the money because he has to help my one sister pay her $450 gas bill. That, by the way, has been disconnected. 

I am so pissed right now!
I wish he would step back and look at all the shit I have done for him this week!

My name is Dawna and this is my story...

When I was asked to write this, I didn't have to think twice about it. The first answer that came to mind was absolutely, yes I will, but before I do so, it needs to be said that mental disorders or diseases of the mind are no more shameful than diseases of the heart, the lungs or any other organ of the body. They are just harder to comprehend, even by those of us who suffer from them. 

My name is Dawna LeMay and ten years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and OCD.

The first thing you need to know, is that I never would have taken the first step to see a psychiatrist to

get a diagnosis if it wasn't for the fact that I had a 4 year old son at the time and it was about 6 weeks after the death of my mother, who I had cared for, for four years. He was doing some silly thing that 4 year olds do and it was just more than I could take at that moment, and I sat on the staircase, literally ripping hair out of my head,crying and repeating, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." Words my son doesn't remember, but I will never forget. That even at this moment bring tears to my eyes.

Over the next year I went through extensive therapy, covering everything from sexual abuse by an uncle, a brother and a family friend, to the sometimes abominable way my own mother treated me and disrespected me growing up, causing me to question her love, almost right up until her dying day. An abusive relationship in my teens and a close call in my twenties...the cherry on top being in the position of playing 24 hour caregiver to the woman I still wasn't entirely sure loved me, but was certain that this was the one way of earning that love. Watching her slowly die for 36 months, spending long days in hospitals and longer nights at home struggling with whether I hoped she lived or died. I suppose you can understand where the PTSD comes in now?


Now, put that PTSD on top of some Bipolar. (Which is a condition both of my parents were diagnosed with. My father, back in the day when it was still called "manic depression" and my mother in her early 40's) I was told I was "rapid cycling." If you ask my son what that means, he will tell you that it means: "You'll be having a really funny conversation with her in the kitchen and she'll be making up her hilarious lyrics to songs while she's making dinner and by the time you're finished eating she will be sitting alone and want nothing to do with anyone." Yeah...that's rapid.

 I have been out of therapy and off medication for 8 years. A year after my mother passed and I had gotten myself more together, I moved with my son to CT to live with his dad and we finally got married. I weened myself off my meds and thought everything was going to be fine, since I was removed from all the things that were "triggers" for me.


However, over the course of the last several months I had begun to notice myself having less and less of my "highs" and they didn't last as long. My "lows" were coming more often and lasting longer. I was drinking more often (which was a big red flag for me, because I am a BIG TIME self medicator!!) On "Ash Wednesday" I went to the psychiatrist. On "Good Friday" I had my last drink
and on my grandfather's birthday (god rest his soul) I began trying to put my life together once again.
It is very important for people to know that there are so many places out there to get support. With todays technology you just type in the word and you have thousands of links to choose from!

If you suspect that someone you know is in trouble, talk to them, maybe you can encourage them to seek help, or even convince them to talk to their primary care physician who could advise them. Mental illness doesn't just go away over time (as I am finding out). Mental illness is very serious and very seriously overlooked. Many times because there are still so many who attach such a stigma to it.

I was asked if I wanted to post anonymously and I said that anonymity didn't matter to me. Helping matters. I don't care if my name is attached to it or not. But, if it isn't attached, I don't want anyone to think it's out of shame. I am very proud of everything that makes me who I am, including my struggles. Without my struggles, you wouldn't recognize my triumphs. <3 

 

 

My Kid :0)

Yeah I know, my idea's are not always that great, but I think you might like this one! 

So I was sitting here and thinking about how yesterday I said that we were going to start doing something for Friday's, right?  Well I got it.  Friday will forever be known as Save me day...

Save me day is going to be about saving someone or something that is special to you and that was created when I read the blog about a woman and her child that has Autism. Link here <--- 

My child has ADHD and for a long time I didn't know what was wrong with her.  I just thought she was a 'bad' kid.  She was really bad.  She would hide under her desk at school, throw stuff, cuss, scream, hit, fight teachers and kids, it was bad.  One day I had had enough, she was in 3rd grade and was not even close to passing and this was the beginning of the year. I thought all kids passed the first 6 weeks.  Wow was I proven wrong.  Bear was like a tornado one minute and a sweet angel that just wanted a hug the next.  I was having weekly visits with her teachers in the third month into 3rd grade when one of them finally ask me, "Have you ever had her tested for ADHD?"  <---What the hell is that?!  I had no clue that there was such a thing.

I mean come on folks, I was at the end of my rope.  I thought that I just didn't need to raise kids.  I was really screwing this one up bad!  I would cry nightly about this while looking at boot camp schools to send her too.  I just couldn't do it any more.  I was so depressed and I was thinking of calling my mom, whom I hadn't spoken to in 2 years to just come and get her and she can raise her!!!

That afternoon I called her doctor and asked about it.  He said come and pick up these papers so you and the teachers can fill them out and return them to me.  I said how late are you open?  I went, got the papers, took them to the teachers, had all of it filled out and turned back in that day!  The next day the doctor called me and said that they needed me to bring her in, and if this afternoon was OK?  OMG do you want me to go and get her now!!!!???? 

After I took her in and they put her on Focolin XR it was Night and Day!  Literally!  I was back in love with my child.  She was my sweet baby again!!!  Now though that she has been 'labeled' I have to fight for her daily...

I have to have yearly meeting with the school so they can tell me the 'goals' for that year with her.  It is in her record that she has ADHD so all of her teachers automatically treat her as if she is a 'bad' kid still.  They don't give her second chances like a child without a problem would get.  The first time she messes up she gets sent to the principle's office. 

This is my story...Next week I would love to hear yours!  And remember that child you see in front of you acting out may just be struggling with his/her own problems, so before you label him/her stop and think about my story.

FAMILY

Family is a funny thing, isn’t it?

Some love you so much that you feel they are smothering you…

Some could care less if you fell from a bridge a week ago and they haven’t heard from you!

Mine is a little mixed…

My family could care less about one another is the way I feel most of the time.  Some of that could be the depression talking but most of it is true.  I have a strange family.  The last time we were al together my sister refused to talk to my grandma because she couldn’t fly to Ohio for her wedding.  I on the other hand have started talking to my whole family again and you really couldn’t even tell.  I feel like no one really cares about me.  I feel like if I were to pass away tomorrow the only ones that would morn my death would be my husband and my kids.  Let me tell you a little bit…..

 

(NOTICE)  THE FOLLOWING WILL GET ME YELLED AT IF EVER SEEN BY MY MOTHER…

 

I have always felt like I was not loved.  My mother did not tell us she loved us until I was in my 30’s.  My mother blamed me for her depression after my dad was sent away.  Me, because I couldn’t stand living with my grandpa, and spent most of my time away from there.  She thinks that I should have spent every waking moment making sure she was ok.  I was 14.  I can remember standing at the screen door at maybe age 4 or 5 and crying because she left for work.  I can remember always feeling that I was adopted and the disappointment in finding out I wasn’t…ßsad right?  I don’t know why she was like this.  All I do know is I have fought tooth and nail to NOT be like her!!!  

She let her husband kick us out of our home of 7 years because he needed an office…I didn’t speak to her for 3 years after that.  Then the Charlie thing happened and I thought “GOD, why did I come back!!!”  While I was mad at her my grandma said some things that she will deny till the day she dies and I missed my Aunt Jackie’s Funeral…L   ß  I miss her! 

 

On the other hand my MIL smothers us.  She bought us a house…ßgreat right ‘sigh’…I wish.  She bought it so we could stay next to her F-O-R-E-V-E-R!  J  She isn’t so bad (most of the time) ….

 

I am posting all of this because my sister is Pregnant.  She went to find the sex today.  She hasn’t called me yet.  HER MIL POSTED THE SEX ON FB!  I am just a depressed bitch is all.  Believe it or not I am not even PMSing!  Lol….. 

My Favorite Porn-Star

So I have a question for all of you...Do you have a old friend that it is just best that you two stay away from each other?

I do....I miss her......a lot.......A LOT! 

I am not allowed to talk to her because she is bad for me. 

I have known her for 20 or so years....I was there for her during her divorce and the birth of her first child....

She was there for me when my dad left.....the birth of my first child.....the maid of honor at my wedding to my husband...

And so much more....we have had wild and crazy nights and we have had heart to heart moments....I miss her....

She is not good for me.....she has grown up to be someone that doesn't have respect for me anymore....she stands me up.....puts me down......and she has had a problem with drugs and such in the not so recent past....

God I really miss her though, even if she does all that to me!  I miss having someone to talk to about all kinds of stuff...that is why I started to blog....I wish we had never fallen apart.......I wish she would have never done the stuff she has done....how many do-overs do you give one person?

She will always be my Porn-star!  I will always love her!  And I will miss her terribly forever!

My Charlie :(

This is just a random blog because I am a little depressed tonight. 

I really miss my horse.  He was my horse and that bastard sold him and didn't even have to balls to tell me, he had my mom do it! 

I cry almost every night because of this horse.  I love him.  I know who he sold him to but I am not able to contact her because she is a cop that has threatened me already and I just really don't want to start anything again with her.  Yes I said again, because I have started something with her before because she got snarly with me about the whole situation.  She didn't think I had any right to be upset with my mom or the bastard about selling him...

One week before he sold him to her for $350.00 he asked me if I wanted him for $650.00.  (yes this is my mothers husband)  I SAID YES I DID!  My mom told me to wait that she wouldn't let him sell the horse and she would get him to come down on the price.  Yeah OK....

Charlie

THEY SOLD HIM ONE WEEK LATER!  THEY SOLD HIM TO A LADY THAT HAS STARVED HER HORSES BEFORE!

I am still broken :( 
I am still hurt
I am still wanting
I am still....

I want him back
I cry nightly because of this
I can't believe that family would do this
I will never forget this
I will hurt until I find him
I am crying now...

I need to find him
I want him back
Please help me
Please! I am begging
He was my world
I love him :'(