Two for one is not always cool.

I feel like I have been socked in the stomach.  You all know that my BFF is sick and I am totally afraid of losing her.  Now it has finally hit me that I am not only going to lose her but I am also losing my Aunt.

Tina and her Mean doggy

 I love my aunt as much as I love my mom.
 She was the fun aunt.
 She was the one that you would go to if you were in trouble or wanted to get into trouble.

I was asked today by my mom if I could go with her and find something that we can lay her to "sleep" in forever.  She kinda caught me off guard.  Isn't that something that her son is supposed to do?  I am going to have to help my mom and my grandma plan a funeral for a daughter, sister, mom, aunt, and friend to so many.  So many that haven't seen her since she got sick.

My husband asked me tonight why we were having a closed casket?  Well because if someone wanted to see her they should have given her the respect to see her now when it counts.  I for one don't want people coming in and gawking at her when she is finally at peace.  No one goes to see her now.  My mom, my grandma, me, and sometimes when he can my uncle.  Her son has came down to see her twice in two years.  He doesn't care about anything but getting his grubby little hands on what she has left.

My Aunt Tina and Cousin Kelly.

I don't know if I will be able to do any of this sober.  I pray that I can but as I write this I am falling apart.  I am so very scared of losing her and T.G. at the same time.  I don't think that as strong of a person that I am that I will be ok after that.

My aunt when I was around 16 thought that it would be funny to come up to my cousin's room with some wild turkey and give me and Christi a shot of it.  Wow that was some nasty shit.  She was also the one that let me stay with her during the summer of 94' when I went to band camp at SFA.  If she wouldn't have let me stay with her I wouldn't have been able to go.  Thank you TT for being there for me and showing me that sometimes you just have to have a little fun in life and let go.



She is and always will be my Aunt TT....... </3  My heart is breaking.  Mostly for her and the fact that she has no visitors...none.  It is sad that the end of her days and she will be spending them alone.   

My friend wants to leave and I don't think it's fair....

Can I just say that I am scared that I am going to lose my friend...

I don't want to lose her but I don't want her to live the way that she is having to live.  I will so miss our talks and such and her dreams of going here and stealing stuff ;) 

Is it bad for me to say this? 

                                                    I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE HER!  

She is important to me, her son, her husband, and several other people.  It's not fair.

That's all...............................  goodnight .....................GP SUX

My Luck

So I don’t know if you all remember that I had great news a while back?

Well the person that bought my Charlie from me was going to sell him back to me. 

She called my mom and told her that she could no longer take care of him and needed to sell him.  So my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to buy him for $300.00 from Monica Cooper? 

OMG!  Yes I am wanting him back!!  Have you been in an accident and gotten amnesia?  Give me a couple of days to get everything together and I will call you back. 

 

So that was two weeks ago that we had that conversation.  We have had many in between there mostly about when I was going to be able to go and get him.  I am/was in the process of getting our fence up so that we can have all of our horses in the same pasture.  That takes time and money, but, we were finishing it up this coming weekend and I would be able to come and get him this coming week.  I had even went as far as telling my SD that if she needs feed or hay for him to let me know and I will bring it by so that she wouldn’t have to worry about him.  He called a few hours after that and told me that she said that she just needs him gone.  OH.  Ok. 

About a week later I saw in our little paper that some woman with grey short hair and a grey trailer had dropped of two horses at a stable and one of them were in horrific condition!  OMG how could anyone do that?  Why wouldn’t you just try your damnedest to find them a place to live before starving them like that?!  A couple of days after that I got a call from my mom that Monica had dropped off Charlie with a lady that has several (15) acre’s and that when I am ready that I need to go and get him from there. 

Flash forward to today.  I am writing this with such a heavy heart.  That was my Charlie that was in the paper.  I am beside myself.  Why!? Why did she not just call and say please just come and get him.  I cannot feed him.  My Charlie passed away that same day he was dropped off.  My Charlie will never be mine again.  I am so deeply hurt!  So hurt! 

I want her sentenced to life of near starvation EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!  Look at my horse!!!  WHY!!!
 

Here is his ending :'(

My Favorite Porn-Star

So I have a question for all of you...Do you have a old friend that it is just best that you two stay away from each other?

I do....I miss her......a lot.......A LOT! 

I am not allowed to talk to her because she is bad for me. 

I have known her for 20 or so years....I was there for her during her divorce and the birth of her first child....

She was there for me when my dad left.....the birth of my first child.....the maid of honor at my wedding to my husband...

And so much more....we have had wild and crazy nights and we have had heart to heart moments....I miss her....

She is not good for me.....she has grown up to be someone that doesn't have respect for me anymore....she stands me up.....puts me down......and she has had a problem with drugs and such in the not so recent past....

God I really miss her though, even if she does all that to me!  I miss having someone to talk to about all kinds of stuff...that is why I started to blog....I wish we had never fallen apart.......I wish she would have never done the stuff she has done....how many do-overs do you give one person?

She will always be my Porn-star!  I will always love her!  And I will miss her terribly forever!

My Charlie :(

This is just a random blog because I am a little depressed tonight. 

I really miss my horse.  He was my horse and that bastard sold him and didn't even have to balls to tell me, he had my mom do it! 

I cry almost every night because of this horse.  I love him.  I know who he sold him to but I am not able to contact her because she is a cop that has threatened me already and I just really don't want to start anything again with her.  Yes I said again, because I have started something with her before because she got snarly with me about the whole situation.  She didn't think I had any right to be upset with my mom or the bastard about selling him...

One week before he sold him to her for $350.00 he asked me if I wanted him for $650.00.  (yes this is my mothers husband)  I SAID YES I DID!  My mom told me to wait that she wouldn't let him sell the horse and she would get him to come down on the price.  Yeah OK....

Charlie

THEY SOLD HIM ONE WEEK LATER!  THEY SOLD HIM TO A LADY THAT HAS STARVED HER HORSES BEFORE!

I am still broken :( 
I am still hurt
I am still wanting
I am still....

I want him back
I cry nightly because of this
I can't believe that family would do this
I will never forget this
I will hurt until I find him
I am crying now...

I need to find him
I want him back
Please help me
Please! I am begging
He was my world
I love him :'(