Today is not the day

 Today is a rough day for me.  Today is my grandma's birthday.  She would have been 89 today.  Would have been.  She passed away in July of 2016.  The day she passed isn't important to me because that is a day that I would rather not remember.  

I do want to remember all the great times that we had together.  I want to remember the great food that she used to cook and the way that she always welcomed us into her home.  Our home.  So on this day I will take you down memory lane as I remember her and all of her Glory and Grace. 

My grandma was the woman that when we got to her house we would have to go out into the garden and help her pick her green beans and tomatoes'.  I can remember that after we would pick them we would sit out on the back porch and snap those purple hull peas.  Our fingers would be purple for days.  We would also play card games like go fish and uno.  We would nap in her bed with her and she would tell us about the sand man coming and putting his sleeping sand in our eyes so we could sleep well.  I remember that she would make the best vegetable soup with sausage and her Salt pork was to die for (still haven't mastered that yet).  There are soooooo many memories that it would take days for me to write them.  I can think back and most days you would walk in and she would be crocheting something new.  Most of the time it was some type of doll.  I miss those days the most.

5 generations here folks!

As she got older and sicker she did less and less.  She loved to travel and my grandpa always wanted to NOT spend money, She would always tell him "well we can't take it with us".  I don't remember my grandma not being able to drive but I do remember that everytime we drove over the bridge at the San Jacinto River she would tell us to suck in (so that we could all fit on the bridge with the other drivers).  I remember the last trip we took her on.  We went to go and visit my cousin in San Antonio.  She just had to stop at Bucees even though she could hardly breathe when she was walking.  

                                                                                                        

                                                                                                       Me and My grandma

I don't have any bad memories of her.  NONE!!  I only remember the good times.  God I miss those times so badly.  I would give almost anything to have her back.  I want to be able to introduce her to the love of my life.  I know she would love him.  

As I type this I am just flooded with memories of her.  Sitting on the back porch while it rains.  the many Christmas's that we had in her front living room.  Her and my grandpa meeting and instantly falling in love with their first born great-grandchild.  God they adored her and thought she could do no wrong.  hunting Easter eggs on Easter mornings and going trick or treating on the hay ride on Halloween night.  I remember coming around the corner to her house and seeing her out front in a lawn chair under her famous Pecan Tree with a bb gun.  I asked what she was doing and her response was keeping the squirrels out of her tree!  LOL  yep she would do stuff like that.  I remember going to the farm with her a couple days before Thanksgiving every single year and sleeping in that little bed and her telling us about the bullgator that would come get us if we didn't go to bed.  Yes we believed in a monster that lived outside in the pond (same one we would swim in and fish in during the day) that would come and eat us up if we didn't fall asleep.  

She was always there when we needed her.  ALWAYS!  Even when time were dire...she was there for my cousins when their mom, my aunt Jackie, passed away.  She was there for my mom, sister, and I when my Bio-Dad went to prison for life.  She was always there with a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen even when there was nothing she could do.  

Sorry this is such a cluttered mess of a blog but that is kinda what my day is like today.  It is raining outside and I can't get her out of my head so I just wrote down exactly what I am thinking at the moment.   

My kinda dreamin'

Hey you guys.  Can I just say that I have some pretty crazy dreams. 

Last night I dreamed that I was a super-natural killer.  <---I know right.  I think that I was the leader or something because we had a meeting about all of the supers that were in the area and I was the one holding the meeting.

Anyways, when I went to search for them in this town my grandma Mary (who has passed) was with me and some little girl.  She was talking about how she loves her grandchildren and that while we were killing these things she didn't want anything to happen.

So I had to do something and we dropped off the little girl to basically fend for herself and we drove on.  When we got out of the car and started walking she started asking things like how were her puppies and some other things that are starting to fade.  Then a big werewolf looking thing walked up to us  and shined a VERY BRIGHT light in our faces and I realized that my light in my room was on and that means that it was time to get up..........

Damnit!  I hate it when that happens! 

Two for one is not always cool.

I feel like I have been socked in the stomach.  You all know that my BFF is sick and I am totally afraid of losing her.  Now it has finally hit me that I am not only going to lose her but I am also losing my Aunt.

Tina and her Mean doggy

 I love my aunt as much as I love my mom.
 She was the fun aunt.
 She was the one that you would go to if you were in trouble or wanted to get into trouble.

I was asked today by my mom if I could go with her and find something that we can lay her to "sleep" in forever.  She kinda caught me off guard.  Isn't that something that her son is supposed to do?  I am going to have to help my mom and my grandma plan a funeral for a daughter, sister, mom, aunt, and friend to so many.  So many that haven't seen her since she got sick.

My husband asked me tonight why we were having a closed casket?  Well because if someone wanted to see her they should have given her the respect to see her now when it counts.  I for one don't want people coming in and gawking at her when she is finally at peace.  No one goes to see her now.  My mom, my grandma, me, and sometimes when he can my uncle.  Her son has came down to see her twice in two years.  He doesn't care about anything but getting his grubby little hands on what she has left.

My Aunt Tina and Cousin Kelly.

I don't know if I will be able to do any of this sober.  I pray that I can but as I write this I am falling apart.  I am so very scared of losing her and T.G. at the same time.  I don't think that as strong of a person that I am that I will be ok after that.

My aunt when I was around 16 thought that it would be funny to come up to my cousin's room with some wild turkey and give me and Christi a shot of it.  Wow that was some nasty shit.  She was also the one that let me stay with her during the summer of 94' when I went to band camp at SFA.  If she wouldn't have let me stay with her I wouldn't have been able to go.  Thank you TT for being there for me and showing me that sometimes you just have to have a little fun in life and let go.



She is and always will be my Aunt TT....... </3  My heart is breaking.  Mostly for her and the fact that she has no visitors...none.  It is sad that the end of her days and she will be spending them alone.   

FAMILY

Family is a funny thing, isn’t it?

Some love you so much that you feel they are smothering you…

Some could care less if you fell from a bridge a week ago and they haven’t heard from you!

Mine is a little mixed…

My family could care less about one another is the way I feel most of the time.  Some of that could be the depression talking but most of it is true.  I have a strange family.  The last time we were al together my sister refused to talk to my grandma because she couldn’t fly to Ohio for her wedding.  I on the other hand have started talking to my whole family again and you really couldn’t even tell.  I feel like no one really cares about me.  I feel like if I were to pass away tomorrow the only ones that would morn my death would be my husband and my kids.  Let me tell you a little bit…..

 

(NOTICE)  THE FOLLOWING WILL GET ME YELLED AT IF EVER SEEN BY MY MOTHER…

 

I have always felt like I was not loved.  My mother did not tell us she loved us until I was in my 30’s.  My mother blamed me for her depression after my dad was sent away.  Me, because I couldn’t stand living with my grandpa, and spent most of my time away from there.  She thinks that I should have spent every waking moment making sure she was ok.  I was 14.  I can remember standing at the screen door at maybe age 4 or 5 and crying because she left for work.  I can remember always feeling that I was adopted and the disappointment in finding out I wasn’t…ßsad right?  I don’t know why she was like this.  All I do know is I have fought tooth and nail to NOT be like her!!!  

She let her husband kick us out of our home of 7 years because he needed an office…I didn’t speak to her for 3 years after that.  Then the Charlie thing happened and I thought “GOD, why did I come back!!!”  While I was mad at her my grandma said some things that she will deny till the day she dies and I missed my Aunt Jackie’s Funeral…L   ß  I miss her! 

 

On the other hand my MIL smothers us.  She bought us a house…ßgreat right ‘sigh’…I wish.  She bought it so we could stay next to her F-O-R-E-V-E-R!  J  She isn’t so bad (most of the time) ….

 

I am posting all of this because my sister is Pregnant.  She went to find the sex today.  She hasn’t called me yet.  HER MIL POSTED THE SEX ON FB!  I am just a depressed bitch is all.  Believe it or not I am not even PMSing!  Lol….. 

OH NO SHE DIDN'T

OMG!  I really can't believe this!

My husband, who works outside for folks, was at my uncles doing some work for him today, this is what followed.

    He goes up to get the check and his lady answers the door....ok I gotta say right here that she does nothing...nothing!  He asked her if she had the check and she told him no but to come in.  She proceeded to tell him all kinds of things that were not going to go any further than me (well and you) but still she had no right to discuss these things with him.

1. She said you know how J doesn't like me?  Well it is because she is on Meth, and she knows I know.  Her sister C goes and buys it for her.  Her husband says that if she doesn't quit then he will leave her.
   A.  How do you know this?  She doesn't even talk to you!  She hates you!  She says
         II.  Well because I rode with her husband somewhere for a job and he told me all of this, out of confidence of course.
   B.  WTF.  Do you know what that word means?  OMG

2.  You know how K didn't like me?  We we are on speaking terms now and her husband is cheating on her.  Not in the house, ya know, but he leaves for days and that is when he is with other women.
   A.  K tolerates you because of her dad.  That is all nothing more.  What type of shit are you trying to start telling my HUSBAND all of this?!  That also you should have kept in confidence! 

3.  C is being kicked out our her apartment unless she can come up with $1800 dollars.  She called again a couple of days ago and now it is $2400.  I know she is spending it on Heroin again with that POS of a boyfriend that says he is a gambler.  T went and gave her the money.
   A.  Who cares it is his money to spend the way he wants.

4.  You know when (said stuff) happened to S?
    A. Yea
          II.  Well I sent her the $5000 she needed out of my pocket, and I haven't asked for it back either
   B.  Good for you.

So this is just a small portion of what was said today!  What the heck am I supposed to do with this!?  OMG help!

Good morning PMS'er

Have you ever woke up and known that today was gonna be the day that nothing was going to go right?  Well guess what today was! Today was that day!

I woke up to Mert being a pissy bitch in the living room about god knows what.  He does that every now and then I usually just stay away from him. Ya know it is kinda like when us lady's are having a PMS moment. So I go in there to make my coffee and notice that he has taken it upon himself to take out the sausage and eggs so that I would see them. Okay well I guess I will make breakfast since you don't know how and the kids sure as hell are NOT going to do it!  Bamm! Breakfast is making, sausage is done and on the plate, I am trying to do the eggs and butter the toast and wash the dishes and he thinks that he is just going to waltz over here and steal a sausage. His hands I notice are empty so I am thinking 'Where in the fuck did he put it!' then I notice it, he has a stain in his pants that wasn't there earlier. That MF'er he put it in his pocket!!!  OMG!!!  Take that shit out of your pocket and put it on the damn plate!!! Geez!

So I thought hell no I am not putting up with him today; I will go and clean my grandma's house (she is very sick and is unable to clean anymore so I do it for her).  I gather everything that I am going to need to do my job and I go to leave and bubba comes running out of the door yelling "Grandma doesn't wanna mess with cleaning today, but she says that you can still come over."  sigh Great!  I think 'ya know what I am gonna act like I didn't get the message and go over there to clean.'  Nope she meets me at the door as I get there and tells me that she doesn't wanna do that today and lets just have a visit.  3 1/2 hours later I leave and head home...Wow my day was boring! 

Did you see my post from yesterday? Now that shit was funny!

Bye Y'all