Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Compassion, here? Pfft! Please...


There is so much that has been going on in my life that I have just now realized that I have been neglecting y’all.  I am so very sorry.  Well ok only kinda sorry.  I have a life too y’all. 

So I had a job at a domestic violence shelter and I loved it.  I got that job back in November of last year.  About  the same time I stopped writing y’all.  I really needed that job.  Don’t know if you all know this about me but I am a survivor of Domestic Violence and this job really hit home.  That is another story. 

 

Now seeing that I was working for a DV shelter I saw a lot of stuff and most of that is with the staff.  Yes there were times that a woman and her kids came in and I was beside myself upset about what had happened to them.  I can’t discuss that one; but the things that I am referring to is the fact that the staff there are horrible.  They don’t know how to treat people in general much less a woman that was being abused for god knows how long.  At times I wanted to scream at them that they are human too!!!   They thought that just because a woman didn’t do her chore on time she should potentially get a “write up” that might cause her to have to leave the shelter and possibly live on the street until she could find somewhere else to go.  That isn’t right, I don’t care who you are or what you are trying to prove.  Everyone needs a little sway every now and then.  That’s not to say that if you come in drunk or high and decide that you want to sit there and cuss me out or threaten me or my family with harm that I am not going to get you out of there as soon as I can; but if you come in drunk or high and go to your room to sleep it off and come to speak with me the next day about it I will let it slid the first time.  Everyone makes a mistake or two, we are all human.  Imagine how boring life would be if we all followed the rules all the time.   With all that said, and all that always happening, I stayed.  I stayed because they needed me.  They needed someone that was on their side in there, someone that would stand up for them in their time of need, someone that would stand there and listen when they needed it or give them advice if they wanted it or maybe just a hug.  Sometimes you just need a hug, or to cry, or scream, or maybe just laugh.  I wanted to know that at least they had someone. 

 

Before then, I had never contacted anyone outside of the shelter.  I was told that it wasn’t allowed and that I would lose my job.  Then I heard of one of the girls that I worked with inviting one of the clients to live with her for a while.  She still has her job and doesn’t do a damn thing to keep it.   The breaking point of all of it for me was when I was in Galveston, on September 22nd, and received a call that one of the ladies and her 3 kids; ages 2, 1, and 4 months; were kicked out because she had failed to complete her chore on time and was unable to call to let someone know because she had no phone with her.  She was asked to leave on Saturday before, and had been out since then.  That was it!  I asked the girl that had called me if the client had called since then.  No she had not called and no one has heard anything from her and no one has tried to call her either.  I didn’t bother asking her why no one has called her I just asked for her number.  A couple of minutes after that I called the client to make sure that she was ok and had a place to stay.  That is when she told me that in fact she and the kids had spent the last 2 nights in her truck and that she was going to be doing that again tonight, because when she left they had not given her any numbers for other shelters that she could call.  I was livid!!!  Why do they do this?!  How can they knowingly kick out a woman and her 3 babies and not give her at least a sheet of paper with numbers to other shelters!!!  That is the moment that I knew that I had to really start doing something actively to help these women or no one else would.  I took it upon myself to call around to other shelters and look for her another place to go.  I called 9 shelters that night and spoke to several others that were at the conference with me the next day.  It took me 2 days to find her a place to go.  That was 2 days that she slept in her car with her kids.  2 fucking days!!!!!  This could have been avoided if the shelter staff were a little more compassionate! 

 

So on October 7th right after a confidential staff meeting, I was called into the caseworker’s office.  I was then told that on September 29th I broke confidentiality when I contacted the client, and that I was being let go.  Yep, she told me that another staff member called her and told her that I had called the shelter to specifically ask for that clients number and take her food and diapers.  Then, as I was about to leave, the Executive Director, who was also in the room while I was being fired, stopped me and asked me if I would like to tell them anything or any names that have also broken the rules.  REALLY!!!  YOU WANT TO ASK ME THAT QUESTION AFTER YOU HAVE ALREADY FIRED ME!!!???  I looked her square in the face and said, “Why in the fuck would I tell you a fucking thing, it’s not like it is going to get me my job back!  Fuck y’all!” Pfft like I would tell them any motherfuckin thing!  So now that I have been fired, and don’t have a job, guess I can say whatever I want, right?  So I want someone to explain to me how one of the staff members that still has a job can have 2 CPS cases and has had a police report filed on her for “spanking” two kids in the daycare of the shelter.  How many asses do you have to kiss to keep your job after that one?  How about the staff member that verbally abuses the other staff members on her shift and makes the workplace hostile, or the one that yells and takes food from the children if they are caught eating after 9:30 in the morning?  I lost my job for helping a woman and her kids find a safe place to sleep.  I have so much more to say on this topic but it will have to be another day because Mert is looking at me wondering what is taking me so long…


<3 y’all and would love some feedback on this one.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Two for one is not always cool.

I feel like I have been socked in the stomach.  You all know that my BFF is sick and I am totally afraid of losing her.  Now it has finally hit me that I am not only going to lose her but I am also losing my Aunt.

Tina and her Mean doggy


 I love my aunt as much as I love my mom.
 She was the fun aunt.
 She was the one that you would go to if you were in trouble or wanted to get into trouble.

I was asked today by my mom if I could go with her and find something that we can lay her to "sleep" in forever.  She kinda caught me off guard.  Isn't that something that her son is supposed to do?  I am going to have to help my mom and my grandma plan a funeral for a daughter, sister, mom, aunt, and friend to so many.  So many that haven't seen her since she got sick.

My husband asked me tonight why we were having a closed casket?  Well because if someone wanted to see her they should have given her the respect to see her now when it counts.  I for one don't want people coming in and gawking at her when she is finally at peace.  No one goes to see her now.  My mom, my grandma, me, and sometimes when he can my uncle.  Her son has came down to see her twice in two years.  He doesn't care about anything but getting his grubby little hands on what she has left.

My Aunt Tina and Cousin Kelly.
I don't know if I will be able to do any of this sober.  I pray that I can but as I write this I am falling apart.  I am so very scared of losing her and T.G. at the same time.  I don't think that as strong of a person that I am that I will be ok after that.

My aunt when I was around 16 thought that it would be funny to come up to my cousin's room with some wild turkey and give me and Christi a shot of it.  Wow that was some nasty shit.  She was also the one that let me stay with her during the summer of 94' when I went to band camp at SFA.  If she wouldn't have let me stay with her I wouldn't have been able to go.  Thank you TT for being there for me and showing me that sometimes you just have to have a little fun in life and let go.



She is and always will be my Aunt TT....... </3  My heart is breaking.  Mostly for her and the fact that she has no visitors...none.  It is sad that the end of her days and she will be spending them alone.   

Thursday, August 29, 2013

My friend wants to leave and I don't think it's fair....

Can I just say that I am scared that I am going to lose my friend...

I don't want to lose her but I don't want her to live the way that she is having to live.  I will so miss our talks and such and her dreams of going here and stealing stuff ;) 

Is it bad for me to say this? 

                                                    I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE HER!  

She is important to me, her son, her husband, and several other people.  It's not fair.

That's all...............................  goodnight .....................GP SUX

Friday, July 12, 2013

My Luck


So I don’t know if you all remember that I had great news a while back?


Well the person that bought my Charlie from me was going to sell him back to me. 

She called my mom and told her that she could no longer take care of him and needed to sell him.  So my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to buy him for $300.00 from Monica Cooper? 

OMG!  Yes I am wanting him back!!  Have you been in an accident and gotten amnesia?  Give me a couple of days to get everything together and I will call you back. 

 

So that was two weeks ago that we had that conversation.  We have had many in between there mostly about when I was going to be able to go and get him.  I am/was in the process of getting our fence up so that we can have all of our horses in the same pasture.  That takes time and money, but, we were finishing it up this coming weekend and I would be able to come and get him this coming week.  I had even went as far as telling my SD that if she needs feed or hay for him to let me know and I will bring it by so that she wouldn’t have to worry about him.  He called a few hours after that and told me that she said that she just needs him gone.  OH.  Ok. 


About a week later I saw in our little paper that some woman with grey short hair and a grey trailer had dropped of two horses at a stable and one of them were in horrific condition!  OMG how could anyone do that?  Why wouldn’t you just try your damnedest to find them a place to live before starving them like that?!  A couple of days after that I got a call from my mom that Monica had dropped off Charlie with a lady that has several (15) acre’s and that when I am ready that I need to go and get him from there. 


Flash forward to today.  I am writing this with such a heavy heart.  That was my Charlie that was in the paper.  I am beside myself.  Why!? Why did she not just call and say please just come and get him.  I cannot feed him.  My Charlie passed away that same day he was dropped off.  My Charlie will never be mine again.  I am so deeply hurt!  So hurt! 


I want her sentenced to life of near starvation EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!  Look at my horse!!!  WHY!!!
 

Here is his ending :'(

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Why must they grow up?

Ok so I needed to blog today, only because I need some way of coping with what I am going through! 


My babies are growing up!!!!!

When did that happen?  I know that it was just yester-year that I had my beautiful 6lb 5oz 18inch long baby girl, that started kindergarten and then 6th grade, but when did she grow up?!  I am NOT ready for this!!  NO!  I want my baby back!  It isn't fair that they have to grow up and go to high school! 

When she started kindergarten she didn't want to let me go.  I had to stay with her most of the day because she was literally attached to my leg.  I thought it was so funny.  Then she got distracted and I ran, out of the room, out of the school, and into my waiting car.  I carried on the rest of the day like nothing was different. <--looking back I should have cried and fought for her to stay by my side.  I didn't though, I knew that she had to go to school and I still had a little one that I needed to care for at home.  She was home soon enough and I took a picture of her getting off of the bus that afternoon! I can't find it so here is one of her and her brother...

                                     


She was ok the next year when she went on to 1st grade and so was I.  That is the way it went until she changed schools, but again I still had one that was in Elementary that I could baby so I was ok with it.  Now I am not ok with the fact that she is about to start HIGH SCHOOL!!! 

It goes from baby dolls and Barbie dolls to boys and cars!  It all happens so fast that you don't even know that it is happening.  It hasn't hit my husband yet but I am sure that it will when we go to the 'crossing over' ceremony in a couple of weeks.  He will cry!  I will take a photo of it to show him later when he denies it!! 

High school is a bad thing in my mind.  High school is where 'things' happen.  Bad things most of the time. You know like driving, dating, parties, so on and so forth.  I know that I am not the only one that this has happened to.  I am sure that my mom went through the same thing when I started high school, and her mom before her and on and on.....

How do you make the panic stop though?  Has anyone figured out how to make them stop growing?  Can you share it with me please!!  I really didn't think that I was going to be one of "those" mom's!!  You know the kind I am talking about.  I am sure you don't wanna be one either.  Just wait, it's coming. 

Lord help us all....they are still growing up!!!!  Here is her first day of High School...


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

My Charlie :(

This is just a random blog because I am a little depressed tonight. 

I really miss my horse.  He was my horse and that bastard sold him and didn't even have to balls to tell me, he had my mom do it! 

I cry almost every night because of this horse.  I love him.  I know who he sold him to but I am not able to contact her because she is a cop that has threatened me already and I just really don't want to start anything again with her.  Yes I said again, because I have started something with her before because she got snarly with me about the whole situation.  She didn't think I had any right to be upset with my mom or the bastard about selling him...

One week before he sold him to her for $350.00 he asked me if I wanted him for $650.00.  (yes this is my mothers husband)  I SAID YES I DID!  My mom told me to wait that she wouldn't let him sell the horse and she would get him to come down on the price.  Yeah OK....

Charlie
THEY SOLD HIM ONE WEEK LATER!  THEY SOLD HIM TO A LADY THAT HAS STARVED HER HORSES BEFORE!

I am still broken :( 
I am still hurt
I am still wanting
I am still....

I want him back
I cry nightly because of this
I can't believe that family would do this
I will never forget this
I will hurt until I find him
I am crying now...

I need to find him
I want him back
Please help me
Please! I am begging
He was my world
I love him :'(