Today is not the day

 Today is a rough day for me.  Today is my grandma's birthday.  She would have been 89 today.  Would have been.  She passed away in July of 2016.  The day she passed isn't important to me because that is a day that I would rather not remember.  

I do want to remember all the great times that we had together.  I want to remember the great food that she used to cook and the way that she always welcomed us into her home.  Our home.  So on this day I will take you down memory lane as I remember her and all of her Glory and Grace. 

My grandma was the woman that when we got to her house we would have to go out into the garden and help her pick her green beans and tomatoes'.  I can remember that after we would pick them we would sit out on the back porch and snap those purple hull peas.  Our fingers would be purple for days.  We would also play card games like go fish and uno.  We would nap in her bed with her and she would tell us about the sand man coming and putting his sleeping sand in our eyes so we could sleep well.  I remember that she would make the best vegetable soup with sausage and her Salt pork was to die for (still haven't mastered that yet).  There are soooooo many memories that it would take days for me to write them.  I can think back and most days you would walk in and she would be crocheting something new.  Most of the time it was some type of doll.  I miss those days the most.

5 generations here folks!

As she got older and sicker she did less and less.  She loved to travel and my grandpa always wanted to NOT spend money, She would always tell him "well we can't take it with us".  I don't remember my grandma not being able to drive but I do remember that everytime we drove over the bridge at the San Jacinto River she would tell us to suck in (so that we could all fit on the bridge with the other drivers).  I remember the last trip we took her on.  We went to go and visit my cousin in San Antonio.  She just had to stop at Bucees even though she could hardly breathe when she was walking.  

                                                                                                        

                                                                                                       Me and My grandma

I don't have any bad memories of her.  NONE!!  I only remember the good times.  God I miss those times so badly.  I would give almost anything to have her back.  I want to be able to introduce her to the love of my life.  I know she would love him.  

As I type this I am just flooded with memories of her.  Sitting on the back porch while it rains.  the many Christmas's that we had in her front living room.  Her and my grandpa meeting and instantly falling in love with their first born great-grandchild.  God they adored her and thought she could do no wrong.  hunting Easter eggs on Easter mornings and going trick or treating on the hay ride on Halloween night.  I remember coming around the corner to her house and seeing her out front in a lawn chair under her famous Pecan Tree with a bb gun.  I asked what she was doing and her response was keeping the squirrels out of her tree!  LOL  yep she would do stuff like that.  I remember going to the farm with her a couple days before Thanksgiving every single year and sleeping in that little bed and her telling us about the bullgator that would come get us if we didn't go to bed.  Yes we believed in a monster that lived outside in the pond (same one we would swim in and fish in during the day) that would come and eat us up if we didn't fall asleep.  

She was always there when we needed her.  ALWAYS!  Even when time were dire...she was there for my cousins when their mom, my aunt Jackie, passed away.  She was there for my mom, sister, and I when my Bio-Dad went to prison for life.  She was always there with a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen even when there was nothing she could do.  

Sorry this is such a cluttered mess of a blog but that is kinda what my day is like today.  It is raining outside and I can't get her out of my head so I just wrote down exactly what I am thinking at the moment.   

The other "GIRL"

So I just wanted to start out by saying hello, I am a 35 year old woman, that hasn’t lived under the same roof as her parents for about 15+ years.  Now with that out of the way let me clear the air a little bit…

I am not the person that you want to come up to and give a command.  For instance,  you need to not speak to *** because *** isn’t right for you.  ß that right there will make me have *** become my BFF forEVER!!!  Just so you know.  My mom is quite demanding when it come to me, or better yet when it comes to her “sons” that aren’t really hers.  So my step brother decided a long while ago that he was going to do the “manly” thing and marry the girl that he got pregnant.  Well I thought that was the wrong choice but he thought better of it and married her and they had a cute little family, whom I adore.  Those girls are my nieces by every since of the word except by blood.  I love those girls and would gladly take them in if anything were to ever happen to their parents.  Well my “brother” screwed up and cheated on his now wife with a girl that he went to school with.  His wife the whole time being faithful.  

With that being said she did have a problem and was very sexual torwards everyone that she knew.  She would grab your boobs, slap your ass, lick your face, and so on and so on.  He, for some reason, felt the need to start seeing another ‘Girl’ while still married and living together.  I just want to make sure that we all know that he was in the wrong here because it will relate to the rest of the story…

He left eventually for the new ‘Girl’.  She was not and is not a woman because a woman would never steal another woman’s man.   He filed for divorce and moved back home to my mom’s and his dad’s, still seeing this ‘girl’ on the sly…or so he thought.   He received his divorce with a few stipulations…these are the one’s that I know about…

1. The girls cannot be around any felons that they know of…(that means if one of them are going to a function and knowingly bring the girls that is a no-no)

2. Both have to wait at least 12 months to move in with a person of  interest…(The ‘girl’ that he was cheating with cannot live with him for at least 12 months after the divorce)

Those are the 2 major ones that we are going to focus on here…

1. Felons- He has took those girls around felons from day one and the ex didn’t know about it.  **shame shame*  See his whole family is a giant felony record, especially his brother who cannot stay out of jail for longer than 6 months.  ** I am taking bets BTW of how long this stay is going to be if anyone wants in**

2. Live ins-Oh I know that she was “staying in your room with you every night from day one.  Ex knows this too.  Just a friendly FYI ;)

I don’t ‘feed’ anyone information and they day you start to accuse me of it is the day I will start.  I don’t play.  I may be the “step-sister” of the “man” but I will be damned if you speak my name as a lie!!!  If I wanted to tell anyone anything you can bet your FLAT ASS that I would!  I don’t like you nor will I ever like you!  You to me are an adulterer and will always be no matter if you marry him or not!  You have a question ask me!  Don’t whisper it behind my back and then get me and my mother into an argument in the department store because of it!  I am a grown woman with my own thought and wants and doings do not EVER  think that you are big enough to tell me who I can speak with.  Bitch please!!!

NOTE:  If you think this is about you then it probably is....

Raise your kids so the government doesn't have to

So I am just going to start this off by saying that I am probably going to piss quite a few people off.  Sorry that you are so easily upset and maybe you should unfriend or unfollow me because I speak my mind quite often.

Now that that is out of our way…What the fuck is wrong with people now days?  I mean seriously?!  Everyone is getting all butt hurt because of all the chaos of police shootings and the black/white/brown/unicorn lives matter that no one is stopping to think why this is all happening!

When was the last time that you saw a child in the store throwing a fit?  Doesn’t matter the race of the child or the parent, just think about the child.  I would say that most of you said somewhere within this last week, right?  Now, what did that parent do?  Did they grab that child and take them to the bathroom?  Did they whisper in the child’s ear?  Did they yell at that child?  Did they spank that child right there in front of everyone?  Bet they didn’t.  I bet that that parent looked at that child screaming and yelling and throwing a fit, and then ignored them.  I bet that the parent walked out of the store with the child following still yelling and screaming.  I can almost guarantee that even in a few of those cases that child got whatever it was they were screaming and fighting for. 

That folks is what is wrong with America today.  People have forgotten how to discipline their kids.  Maybe they are scared to discipline because of someone saying those three dreaded letters…CPS.  Whatever the reason may be, I have learned that the generation today doesn’t respect anyone or anyting because their parents have taught them that.  Now I know that I am going to have someone argue that it’s only the white kids that have no respect.  Nope not true because even though my kids are 17 and 14 you can bet your shiny ass that if I learn of them being disrespectful of ANYONE I will still bust their asses.  Well you say that it’s only black kids.  Nope I can prove you wrong there too.  I have several black friends that will lay a smack down on their kids in a heartbeat.  Well you say I see Hispanic kids all the time being hell on wheels.  No that is also not true because just like before I have seen my friends bring them close and whisper in Spanish, “Wait until we get in the car.”  With a smile on their face, or they just spank them right there. 

Your race has nothing to do with how you act in public or at home for that matter.  Your race has nothing to do with if you are going to respect someone.  Your race has nothing to do with how you are going to treat each other or that person of authority.  You have everything to do with that.  You and the way that you raise your kids has all the matter in the world on how you are. 

You know I am not always the nicest person in the world and unless you have been on the wrong end of me or just been near me when someone else has been you would never know it.  My mom raised me to treat everyone with respect and dignity.  I could care less who you are or where you are from,  I don’t care what the color of your skin is or if you are the CEO of a company.  If you treat me like a human being that has a heartbeat, then I will treat you that same.  You all know that I worked at a shelter and those girls can tell you that I would treat them all with the same respect as they would treat me.  We had all walks of life come in there from those that were homeless straight off the street to a lady that her husband owned a bank branch and she was running from a millionaire and she knew that he wouldn’t find her there.  Do you know that the lady had the nastiest attitude because even though she was living under “shelter” roof she still thought that we were her servants. 

Look the point is raise your kids.  Don’t let your kids raise themselves.  You let them run around and you never discipline them then what do you expect?  When they become adults and run from the police like they ran from you in Wal-mart or fight the police like they fought you when you told them they couldn’t have something, the police are not going to let them get away with it like you did.  You cannot blame the police for taking action when it was your choice to let them raise themselves.  Yes, I know that there are a few bad cops out there but what I am seeing here lately is just flat out folks not knowing how to be decent humans.

You have my permission to share if you feel the need or we can talk about this.  I know that people are going to disagree with me but I don’t care because my kids know right from wrong and I will not be responsible for raising yours too and neither should our government.

My Life of Survival...As I remember it...

So I thought that it may be time to tell y'all a little bit of my story.  A while back I told you that I was a DV survivor.  You will notice that I have had a little bit of everything in my life.  I have had verbal and emotional, physical, and sexual coercion.  My husband is not like this and I am grateful for that.  He can be a bit of a handful at times, but he doesn't beat the shit out of me and he likes my food.  :)

 

I can remember being a little girl and my mom and dad fighting. No hitting other than once that I know of, but there was more than enough yelling and screaming. The worst was going to my grandma’s house [dads]. They didn’t know how to do anything other than fight. I vividly remember standing on the porch with all my cousins, it was cold and I was very young, and a recliner comes through the window. My uncle threw it because of something that happened inside. That wasn’t the first time it had happened and it also wasn’t the last, it was just the only time I can remember real well. The only time I ever saw my dad hit my mom was when we were young and we came home and he was mad at her for something. He grabbed her out of the truck and hit her in the face. He then took her and threw her against the light post in the middle of the yard and then he left. We sat on the swing out front for a long time that day.

 Fast forward into my teen years; my dad has gone to jail and then prison for murder. I have no clue if he did it or not so please don’t ask. We had to go and live with my mom’s parents because my dad was our supporter. With him gone we had no way to pay for anything anymore so we had to leave our home. My grandpa was the meanest man I had ever met. I was only 14 maybe 15 and skinnnny!! He would sit in the living room at night and watch TV. Sometimes I would go into the kitchen to get a drink or a snack and he would tell me that I shouldn’t be eating because I was already fat. Guess 125 pounds is HUGE!!!! I stayed there about 3 months before I had a complete nervous breakdown. I sat on the floor in the laundry room crying, screaming, scratching, and pulling out my hair. My mom sent me to live with my dad’s parents. He (dad’s father) wasn’t any better. He would constantly accuse me of stealing from him, even though I wasn’t. My aunt Carol had to come and “rescue” me one time because of it.  Finally my mom got back on her feet and we moved into our own place. It didn’t help any though because instead of being loved I had a mom that didn’t care. I could do anything that I wanted and she never did anything unless it was skipping school, and that was only because she was going to have to pay a fine. She filed me as a runaway 4 times by the time I was 15.

 Then I met Albert. I thought he was the moon for some reason. It might have been because I was only 16, but I dated him for a long time. I was always running off girls that were ‘chasing’ him. Come to find out he was sleeping with all of them. Then at 17 I was pregnant. I had already ran away with him and the police refused to pick me up anymore. My mom didn’t want anything to do with me at that point because she said that I had ‘abandoned’ her. UM HELLO I AM A 17 YEAR OLD CHILD. Nope didn’t matter, she was “Done with me”. I had my daughter 3 months before my 18th birthday. Guess what, my mom showed up at the hospital. She said that we could move back in with her and be in the “big” room. I was there for 2-3 months. I got a job and then got a place to live, like a family, with Albert and my daughter. It was a trailer park. I had to pay $150 a week but it was ok because I had my family. I would take my daughter to her grandma’s (his mom) and pay her to watch her, go to work, come home and pick her up, clean house and cook dinner, serve him in bed; if he didn’t like it, it would be thrown in my direction and I would have to make something that he liked. Have you noticed yet that he is not working or watching our daughter? Wanna know what he is doing? He is “seeing” the girl down the street. She is 14 and pregnant with his child.

 After he leaves my mom moves in with me to help me with everything. He comes up one night and knocks on my door. When I open it he tells me that he wants his dogs. (We had 2 pits that I supported) I informed him that he wasn’t getting them and that he needed to leave. That is when he went crazy! He started to scream and yell but my dog didn’t like that too much and started towards him growling. Yep he backed that ass right back out of my house. Or I thought that was what it was but then I remember that I had put the puppy out back to go potty and he was yelping to come back in. I ran around to the back door and went out, we both reached the pup at about the same time. He grabbed the front of his halter and I grabbed the back. Albert didn’t like that and I knew almost immediately that I had made a mistake. He started to scream at me like I had never heard him do before. He had an edge to his voice that scared me. That is when he hit me for the first time. Not once, not twice, but 4-5 times, in the face. He then slammed my face into the propane tank a couple of times and then threw me over the fence where my knee attached itself to it. As I am laying on the ground not able to move he jumps the fence with my puppy and walks away. That was the worst feeling in the world. I realized, that as I pulled myself up and walked around to the front of the house, the neighbor had heard and possibly seen everything and she was on the phone. I asked her to please not call the cops, it was done, he was gone. I didn’t think he would be back. I went into the house, cleaned myself up, calmed my mom and daughter down, and as I was sitting down someone knocked at the door. My mom, not wanting me to get hit again, answered the door. It was the police wanting to see me. After I told him what happened he went to speak with Albert. Not to long after he came back and told me that his sister said I had hit him also and first. No matter how much I said I didn’t he would not believe me. I was handcuffed and then placed in the back seat of the patrol car, with Albert sitting right next to me. As the cop was speaking with my mother, Albert was telling me that he was going to “whoop my Ass” when we get out for calling the cops. I was freaking terrified!! I spent 2 days in jail when my grandma bailed me out. I think it was about 3-6 months later I was standing in the courthouse waiting to speak with someone about the charges on Albert when he came and stood right next to me. Again I was terrified!! What the hell did he want now? I left and have not bothered him since! Guess what? He told me that I needed to drop the charges on him because he didn’t do anything wrong and that in return he would drop them on me. Yep for one there had been charges brought upon me; Assault on a family member; and for 2 he wanted me to drop the ones on him; Assault on a family member w/bodily injury. Um, hello again, I am terrified of this guy! He just beat the hell out of me and now he is standing next to me telling me that I needed to drop the charges, so guess what I did? Yep, I dropped them. I didn’t want my ass beat again and I knew that if I didn’t do what he told me to he would probably do it again.

 He stalked me for about 6 months after that. I can say that I have not heard from him since and I am ok with that.

 

The after effects of the abuse is hard.  I have severe anxiety and panic attacks around large groups.  I get extremely defensive when people yell or scream at me.  For a long time I was an addict of sorts.  I was a child that most of my family didn't like.  I don't know why and I probably never will.  I wasn't told by my mom until about 2 years ago that she loved me.  I have told my kids that several times a day from day one.  I was judged because I got pregnant at 17 but I had no one else that wanted me, I was a problem child...Never judge a person because of their shell.  You don't know what they have suffered through in their life.

My boss calls it a day in the life of an RA....I call bullshit!!!

I have a love hate relationship with my current job.  I am an advocate for a domestic violence shelter and I love that.  I love that I can help women everyday.  I can inspire them to get better and succeed and do what ever the hell they want.  Don't let anyone, man or woman, ever tell you that you cannot be whatever because you can if you think you can. 

Now the hate part is that they keep screwing with my hours and times.  I started out as an advocate on the 4-12 (make it or break it) shift.  This is the shift that if it was brewing to happen, then it is going to happen and it will be on this shift.  I loved that shift.  I like being the one that they come to if they need to talk.  I like to be the one that breaks up the fights.  I like that all of the kids love me and know me b name.  I have ladies that only feel comfortable talking to me about stuff.  Stuff that, by the way, I cannot possibly make up.  They are crazy sometimes.  I have to call the cops more times than I can count.  They have moved me to the midnight to 8am shift.  Wanna know what happens on that shift?  NOT A MUTHA FUCKIN THING!!!!!!!!!  Nothing.  They sleep, snore, sleep, pee, and sleep some more....I hate this shift.  I hate it enough that I am looking for a new job.  I guess I am also looking for a new career.  I do not want to be overnight.  I want my hours back.  I didn't ask to go overnight.  Wasn't my fault that the other girl that works overnight and doesn't have any kids and just moved in with her boyfriend/roommates doesn't want to work it anymore.  I did my job and I did it well.  Well enough that the house ran smoothly and no one ever complained about it being dirty or stinky.  They do now.  Now that you have taken me off that shift.  Me with 2 years experience in this field and replaced me with a girl that "doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings" so she doesn't ask them to do anything.  If they don't do it then she just leaves it. 

*shakes head*

No sweetie, see if they don't do it, YOU have to. (period)  The house has to be clean and if they say nope not doing it all week and you can't find someone else that will, You have to do it! 

I may just be tired from having a family, working overnight, and cleaning, but if my husband had a job I would just quit.  I have had enough with them.  No wonder they can't keep anyone.  Night....

Compassion, here? Pfft! Please...

There is so much that has been going on in my life that I have just now realized that I have been neglecting y’all.  I am so very sorry.  Well ok only kinda sorry.  I have a life too y’all. 

So I had a job at a domestic violence shelter and I loved it.  I got that job back in November of last year.  About  the same time I stopped writing y’all.  I really needed that job.  Don’t know if you all know this about me but I am a survivor of Domestic Violence and this job really hit home.  That is another story. 

 

Now seeing that I was working for a DV shelter I saw a lot of stuff and most of that is with the staff.  Yes there were times that a woman and her kids came in and I was beside myself upset about what had happened to them.  I can’t discuss that one; but the things that I am referring to is the fact that the staff there are horrible.  They don’t know how to treat people in general much less a woman that was being abused for god knows how long.  At times I wanted to scream at them that they are human too!!!   They thought that just because a woman didn’t do her chore on time she should potentially get a “write up” that might cause her to have to leave the shelter and possibly live on the street until she could find somewhere else to go.  That isn’t right, I don’t care who you are or what you are trying to prove.  Everyone needs a little sway every now and then.  That’s not to say that if you come in drunk or high and decide that you want to sit there and cuss me out or threaten me or my family with harm that I am not going to get you out of there as soon as I can; but if you come in drunk or high and go to your room to sleep it off and come to speak with me the next day about it I will let it slid the first time.  Everyone makes a mistake or two, we are all human.  Imagine how boring life would be if we all followed the rules all the time.   With all that said, and all that always happening, I stayed.  I stayed because they needed me.  They needed someone that was on their side in there, someone that would stand up for them in their time of need, someone that would stand there and listen when they needed it or give them advice if they wanted it or maybe just a hug.  Sometimes you just need a hug, or to cry, or scream, or maybe just laugh.  I wanted to know that at least they had someone. 

 

Before then, I had never contacted anyone outside of the shelter.  I was told that it wasn’t allowed and that I would lose my job.  Then I heard of one of the girls that I worked with inviting one of the clients to live with her for a while.  She still has her job and doesn’t do a damn thing to keep it.   The breaking point of all of it for me was when I was in Galveston, on September 22^nd, and received a call that one of the ladies and her 3 kids; ages 2, 1, and 4 months; were kicked out because she had failed to complete her chore on time and was unable to call to let someone know because she had no phone with her.  She was asked to leave on Saturday before, and had been out since then.  That was it!  I asked the girl that had called me if the client had called since then.  No she had not called and no one has heard anything from her and no one has tried to call her either.  I didn’t bother asking her why no one has called her I just asked for her number.  A couple of minutes after that I called the client to make sure that she was ok and had a place to stay.  That is when she told me that in fact she and the kids had spent the last 2 nights in her truck and that she was going to be doing that again tonight, because when she left they had not given her any numbers for other shelters that she could call.  I was livid!!!  Why do they do this?!  How can they knowingly kick out a woman and her 3 babies and not give her at least a sheet of paper with numbers to other shelters!!!  That is the moment that I knew that I had to really start doing something actively to help these women or no one else would.  I took it upon myself to call around to other shelters and look for her another place to go.  I called 9 shelters that night and spoke to several others that were at the conference with me the next day.  It took me 2 days to find her a place to go.  That was 2 days that she slept in her car with her kids.  2 fucking days!!!!!  This could have been avoided if the shelter staff were a little more compassionate! 

 

So on October 7^th right after a confidential staff meeting, I was called into the caseworker’s office.  I was then told that on September 29^th I broke confidentiality when I contacted the client, and that I was being let go.  Yep, she told me that another staff member called her and told her that I had called the shelter to specifically ask for that clients number and take her food and diapers.  Then, as I was about to leave, the Executive Director, who was also in the room while I was being fired, stopped me and asked me if I would like to tell them anything or any names that have also broken the rules.  REALLY!!!  YOU WANT TO ASK ME THAT QUESTION AFTER YOU HAVE ALREADY FIRED ME!!!???  I looked her square in the face and said, “Why in the fuck would I tell you a fucking thing, it’s not like it is going to get me my job back!  Fuck y’all!” Pfft like I would tell them any motherfuckin thing!  So now that I have been fired, and don’t have a job, guess I can say whatever I want, right?  So I want someone to explain to me how one of the staff members that still has a job can have 2 CPS cases and has had a police report filed on her for “spanking” two kids in the daycare of the shelter.  How many asses do you have to kiss to keep your job after that one?  How about the staff member that verbally abuses the other staff members on her shift and makes the workplace hostile, or the one that yells and takes food from the children if they are caught eating after 9:30 in the morning?  I lost my job for helping a woman and her kids find a safe place to sleep.  I have so much more to say on this topic but it will have to be another day because Mert is looking at me wondering what is taking me so long…

<3 y’all and would love some feedback on this one.

All over the place....

Ok so I am home today with the kids because of the "winter weather alert" <---pfft!  They are smoking crack or something.  The most I see is a little sleet on the trucks.  Nothing sticking on the ground or the stairs or even the windows.

                                     What the hell people!!

 You cancel school, close all the buildings, shit down streets, and for what?!  Some cold freakin rain!!!  It is barely in the 20's!!

 I am really pissed y'all.  What the hell am I supposed to do with these little sh--darlins all day?  I believe that Patti over at Insane in the mom brain suggested Benadryl at one point, or was that for sex?  Who cares!  I am protesting winter!!  I will not take it anymore.  Texas is not one that needs this shit!!!  Pack your shit and GTFO mother nature!!!

All I gotta say is the next time the school is closed because of the 'winter weather' they can suck my balls!!!  I am gonna send them anyways!!

I know I have been MIA for a while, and well honestly I just haven't been in the mood to write.  I feel let down here lately.  I think women suck balls or I am just not made for friends.  I don't know.

What is the saying about if you change people, and things are still the same, it must be you; or some shit like that.  Yep must be me that is making things difficult.  I don't know.  I feel like I am a hard person to like, but an easy person to love if that makes sense.

I have 'friends' I guess but we don't speak that much.  I feel like a therapist sometimes because I am there when 'people' need to vent to me or cry on my shoulder but it feels like I don't have anyone most of the time.

Damn I am all over the place today.

Freakin kids need to go back to school!!!

My Aunt!

Today November 15, 2013 the world lost a very special person.  My aunt Tina Lynn was born September 12, 1957 to my Grandparents.  She was a very important person to all that knew her.  She was a loving and funny person that tried to not judge you unless of course you were being pissy with her or someone that she loved.  My mom and Grandma used to tell me stories of her being kicked off of the bus for fighting.  Guess she never grew out of it…  J 

She was ecstatic the day she found out she was pregnant.  Then she came down from Nacogdoches to visit Grandma and the rest of us and low and behold she went into labor early.  Guess he just didn’t want to be born in the boon docks lol….I remember going and seeing him in the NICU.  He was so small, like a pound or so and he had what looked like a brown cupcake on the top of his head.  We laughed hard at that. 

Couple years later, I went to stay with her for a few weeks so I could go to band camp.  She had an old beat up VW bus.  Oh it was horrid, but it got me to camp and town ok so off we would go…

She had some down time too, but I won’t remember those now. 

She lived with us for a few a long time ago.  She dated a body builder who thought that he was god’s gift to women.  ß He surely was not, but she liked him at the time.  There were so many more that I could write but I would love to hear about yours of my Aunt, my mom’s sister, my Grandma and Grandpa’s 3^rd born daughter. 

She will so be missed by me, by my mom, by my grandma and grandpa, by so many people.  Lord help us all if we ever try to forget her though, I have a feeling that she will come down and so something to jolt our memories if we do.  J  How could you forget, her.  She was, after all the life of the party and we will miss her so so so very much.  SO MUCH!  

I <3 you TT……..

My kinda dreamin'

Hey you guys.  Can I just say that I have some pretty crazy dreams. 

Last night I dreamed that I was a super-natural killer.  <---I know right.  I think that I was the leader or something because we had a meeting about all of the supers that were in the area and I was the one holding the meeting.

Anyways, when I went to search for them in this town my grandma Mary (who has passed) was with me and some little girl.  She was talking about how she loves her grandchildren and that while we were killing these things she didn't want anything to happen.

So I had to do something and we dropped off the little girl to basically fend for herself and we drove on.  When we got out of the car and started walking she started asking things like how were her puppies and some other things that are starting to fade.  Then a big werewolf looking thing walked up to us  and shined a VERY BRIGHT light in our faces and I realized that my light in my room was on and that means that it was time to get up..........

Damnit!  I hate it when that happens! 

Oh he found you huh! F***** great!!

So how have y'all been? 
    Good?

Well I have a little something to say and I can tell ya that when I first found out I was beyond pissed. 

A while back I went to Ohio to visit a friend and my sister.  Well two days before I left my daughters biological father contacted her through her friend. 

To some of you, you're thinking well what is wrong with that?  I am going to tell you what the problem is.  He hasn't had anything to do with her since she was born.  At one point he made the comment that she wasn't his.  He left 2 months after she was born to be with someone that was 4 years younger than me.  I was 18 and he was 20.  Yea! 

So 2 days before I left he contacted her.  She of course didn't say anything to either me or her dad.  <----Mertis.  She let it go for quite a while.  Until well after I had gotten back.  She was calling and talking to him the whole time!  He has filled her head with all kinds of crap.  Like for instance; I have always wanted to meet you; or I pay child support; or your mom has kept you away from me (well that is kinda true but he is a dope head and I wanted nothing to do with him); or, and this is my favorite, let me tell you all of the things that your mom did when she was a teen. 

BASTARD!!!!!

HOW DARE YOU CONTACT THE CHILD THAT I HAVE RAISED FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS AND TELL HER LIES SO SHE MAY LIKE YOU!!!! THEN TURN THE TABLES AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN THE PERFECT PERSON AND THAT YOU HAVE PAID CHILD SUPPORT AND BEEN LOOKING FOR HER FOR THE PAST 15 FUCKING YEARS!!!!!  YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANY OF THAT!  I HAVEN'T SEEN A DIME FROM YOU IN I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW LONG.  YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR HER?  REALLY?  WELL MY GRANDMA HAS LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE FR 30+ YEARS!  HAVE YOU GONE THERE LOOKING FOR HER?  NO ASS, YOU HAVEN'T!!!!

Pfft, please tell us all another lie.  I had to sit MY child down and explain to her the reason why she wasn't allowed to speak to your ass! 
         1. you are an addict that can't stay away from the drugs!
         2. you have failed to raise the other 6 kids that you have!
         3. you are a pathological liar!
         4. you are a worthless piece of trash that only looks out for himself!
         5. you have yet to keep a job!
         6. you are in jail more than you are out of it!

Damn I could go on and on and on!!!  Please find one of your other kids to try and love.  Stay the hell away from the one that I am almost done with!

I really hate the deadbeats that think that because she is 15, and she is so close to graduating from High School and moving on to college that you can just step back in and be "a part of her life" now!  Screw you!  She is the product of me and my husband knowing what love is and knowing how to show a child that love and support!  She is not a product of you and your lying cheating ways!  You are a worthless piece of trash that is to scared to contact me to talk to her!  Instead you have to drag two 15 year olds into your fucked up world! 

Being a parent is hard y'all.  

Two for one is not always cool.

I feel like I have been socked in the stomach.  You all know that my BFF is sick and I am totally afraid of losing her.  Now it has finally hit me that I am not only going to lose her but I am also losing my Aunt.

Tina and her Mean doggy

 I love my aunt as much as I love my mom.
 She was the fun aunt.
 She was the one that you would go to if you were in trouble or wanted to get into trouble.

I was asked today by my mom if I could go with her and find something that we can lay her to "sleep" in forever.  She kinda caught me off guard.  Isn't that something that her son is supposed to do?  I am going to have to help my mom and my grandma plan a funeral for a daughter, sister, mom, aunt, and friend to so many.  So many that haven't seen her since she got sick.

My husband asked me tonight why we were having a closed casket?  Well because if someone wanted to see her they should have given her the respect to see her now when it counts.  I for one don't want people coming in and gawking at her when she is finally at peace.  No one goes to see her now.  My mom, my grandma, me, and sometimes when he can my uncle.  Her son has came down to see her twice in two years.  He doesn't care about anything but getting his grubby little hands on what she has left.

My Aunt Tina and Cousin Kelly.

I don't know if I will be able to do any of this sober.  I pray that I can but as I write this I am falling apart.  I am so very scared of losing her and T.G. at the same time.  I don't think that as strong of a person that I am that I will be ok after that.

My aunt when I was around 16 thought that it would be funny to come up to my cousin's room with some wild turkey and give me and Christi a shot of it.  Wow that was some nasty shit.  She was also the one that let me stay with her during the summer of 94' when I went to band camp at SFA.  If she wouldn't have let me stay with her I wouldn't have been able to go.  Thank you TT for being there for me and showing me that sometimes you just have to have a little fun in life and let go.



She is and always will be my Aunt TT....... </3  My heart is breaking.  Mostly for her and the fact that she has no visitors...none.  It is sad that the end of her days and she will be spending them alone.   

My friend wants to leave and I don't think it's fair....

Can I just say that I am scared that I am going to lose my friend...

I don't want to lose her but I don't want her to live the way that she is having to live.  I will so miss our talks and such and her dreams of going here and stealing stuff ;) 

Is it bad for me to say this? 

                                                    I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE HER!  

She is important to me, her son, her husband, and several other people.  It's not fair.

That's all...............................  goodnight .....................GP SUX

Ohio Part 3.....

This week we visit with my sister and her husband. yay...

Can I just say that although I love my sister I probably will never go to visit with her again. 

I went up there on a budget, very strict budget that they knew about.  Yet I was still expected to purchase everything that we would be eating for the week.  Like milk and bottled water.  Then when we went out to eat I also had to purchase that.  So needless to say we didn't go anywhere because I didn't have the money to do so. 

I had a blast hanging out with my sister and my newest nephew though. 








We took a lot of really cute photo's of him but they sleep all the time, because, well,  he is new and he sleeps a lot so Booboo sleeps with him.......


We did go to Pennsylvania one day to go and see some fish but as soon as we crossed the Pa. Oh border it started to rain, hard, so we came back and went to the in-laws to watch a Browns game.

On our way!!

 
 Of course Matty falls asleep as soon as we get into the car...

On the second to last day we were there we became awesome like auntie and I had to take a few pictures.....


All in all I had fun.  On the way back in Tenn, where by the way they should clean up their highways, we hit a large piece of metal in the road and hurt my truck.  I didn't think that we would make it home, but we did where my husband and animals were happy to see me and my daughter was happy to see her bubba!!!  I would highly recommend you taking at least one road trip with one, just one of your kids to get to know them.  We had fun just the two of us....maybe I will do it again next year but with bear........

HELLO OHIO.....part 2

Ok guys, we got of at 6am like I said we would.  Went to the stroe to get ice and of course Coby has to fall on the sidewalk like a goober.  After that we are

O
    F
        F !!!

It took forever to drive the first day, and the second was I felt longer but we finally made it to O-E-OoooO..hhhhi...ooo! 

Our first stop there was to see my friend T.G.  I think her son was more happy to see my though because he ran up to me and almost jumped into my arms, but after that I got out of the truck and gave T.G. a hug.  Yay!!!

We will again go by the days.

Day 1 -  (Sunday) Uneventful.  When I got there we sat and visited for a few and then we had to run to the store.  OHH and we got T.G. Homemade Spaghetti.  OMG it was Delish!!!!

Day 2 - (Monday) Didn't get much sleep....THEY WAKE UP AT 6am!!!  ARGGGG!!!!  Ok I'm up!  So, anyhow, T.G. had a doctor appointment so I had to stay with the boys, who by the way didn't get up until 8am. :/  Yea.  When they got back we had to do some more running around and I was not feeling very well.  We went to a place called "The Barn" (Amish like restaurant).  It was surprisingly good.  Later in the day T.G. and I went and ran some errands without the boys.  It was fun just having "girl time".   Oh and don't let her tell you that she doesn't eat leftovers because on day 2 we had leftover sketti's.

Day 3 - (Tuesday) She had another doctor appointment today but didn't wake me until later.  She took me to see the McKinney monument. Later we went to the auction #1.  I love auctions!  I have always loved auctions.  T.G. got me an oil lamp for like $8!!!  I lub it!

Day 4 - (Wednesday) Camping day!!  The most fun one will have is to go camping with me!
  I talked T.G. into going tubing down the river that is in the park, can I just stop right there, Ohio water is a lot colder than ours in Texas.  On with the story, we went and got our tubes and proceeded down to the water, C (her son) did not want to do this and looking back I see why.  As I step into the water I am instantly frozen!!  That water is so freakin cold!  I am a trooper and I continue on like there is nothing wrong.  C on the other hand has no problem telling him mom that this isn't a good idea.  We no sooner get into the water and begin floating and T.G. gets hung up on a log with C.  Great!  I have no way of helping them, but she frees them.  Away we go and all is going well for a while and then all hell breaks loose!  C falls out of the tube!  Yep and freaks the hell out mostly because the water is so cold because he can stand, the water in this part is only about 2 feet deep.  We get him back on and continue down the river when I find out the T.G. was so scared that she (forgive me) Shat!  hahahahaha!!!    <-----I am rolling in my tube laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Anyways no we didn't finish the river....but the rest of the day was great! The boys rode Go-carts...for C it was the first time!!

Day 5 - (Thursday) So we packed up and left so we could make it to the Amish auction that night because I have heard that the Amish auctioneer has a HAWT ASS!!!  I shall never know because he was  a no show!  DAMNIT!

Day 6 - (Friday) Spent the whole day cleaning and then we went to get our hair done afterwards.  (sorry T.G. I just didn't like that blond blob in the front of my head)

Day 7 - (Saturday) I will never NEVER EVER come up again during the "super bowl hall of fame" parade day!  She made us get up at 2:30am!!!!   Just so we could go and sit out in the rain and cold and wait for a parade to start!!  The after party was great though!  Good food and good times! 

Day 8 - Kinda bittersweet because we were having to leave but I think it was about time.  I am sure that we were wearing on their nerves and as sweet as C can be he was starting to wear on mine.  So we packed it up and headed a little further north.....Watch out Booboo here we come........

Our trip to Ohio....Part 1 of 3

SUPER STOKED!!!

Guess where I am going?  Yeppers, Ohio!!! I am going to see my sister and my partner in crime Tori!  I am so freakin' excited about it all.  I thought that I would keep y'all in the loop and tell you about my day to days leading up to and then until we get back. 

Week 1:  (getting ready) Planned my route and it is going to take me 19 hours and 11 minutes to go from Texas (gulf coast) to Ohio (Middle).  Yeah we'll see about that.  They don't factor in the fact that people have to pee and take breaks.  What if II see something that I want to look at?  Yep there is more time.

 I have begun cleaning my house so I won't have as much to do when I get back.  It is just me a bubba going so bear and Mertis will be left behind to care for animals and work and pay bills.  As I am cleaning my wonderful husband said, "I don't know why you are doing that, it isn't going to look like this when you get back."  ASSHOLE!  They better not mess my house up while I'm gone. 

I have started to pack slowly so I can make sure that I have everything that I need. 

The count down begins.....

Tuesday (3 days left) I have washed my last load of clothes today.  Packed my blanket and Bubba's Games for the X-box and Wii.  Towels and Washrags are packed. 

Wednesday (2 days Left) Getting the jitters now!!!  I am getting pissy because I am getting no help in the cleaning of the house before I leave and I am ARRRGGGG!  I am done with my packing.   Just need to pack the toiletries. 

Thursday (1 day at home left) <----EEKKKKK!!!! 

Friday (We leave tomorrow)  OMG MY STOMACH IS IN KNOTS!!!  I am super excited!!!  Gotta load the truck and I will be gone at 6am in the morning!!  Wish me luck!

I am NOT sorry! Sorry

I am not really sure how to start this one.  I am really upset with this whole Zimmerman/Martin thing, but not in the way that you expect a person to be upset with it. 

I am upset that this has been made into a black and white thing.  It is not and was not a black and white thing. 

I am tired of Quenelle X saying that this was a racist thing.  How in the hell does he know that?  Was he there?  Oh, I forgot, everything with him is a racist thing! 

He stands there and talks about his family being slaves. Really, and when was that last year?  Ten years ago? 50 years ago?  Oh, you mean over 149 years ago!  Yea I can how that might still hurt you.  That must have been hard on you.  You know because some people that you don't know and have never known were slaves.  Oh and you know without a shadow of a doubt tha the slave driver was a white person because there is no such thing as a black slave driver.

I am what one of my best friends calls a "southern Belle".  I think it's cute.  When I tell people that I am a white woman from Texas, most of them think automatically that I am a Racist.  I am not a racist.  I am southern by blood/heart/mind/soul/and choice.  I say and do things that you may look at and go, oh she is so racist by saying that.  No y'all, that is just the way that I was raised and I will not change for you or anyone else! 

Please think before you say that someone is a racist.  It may sometimes seem that way but it may not always be true.

I read a blog this morning, it was about a man that was once a young man.  He was in college and it was late and raining and he pulled his hood over his head and walked across the campus with his head down so he could get to his dorm. 
      Now without me telling you his color, a security officer stopped him to ask him where he is going.  Instead of answering him he turned and asked him, why?  did I do something? 
      Why ask someone that is trying to keep a campus safe why they stopped you?  Just answer the question.  Here or There.  Real easy.  This boy is black, and seems to think that that officer stopped him because of his color.  I would not be able to tell what color someone is at night in the rain while they are wearing a hoodie.  Maybe, just maybe that officer could and that is why he stopped the only person out in the dark and pouring rain, because it was a black boy. 

Come on!  give me a break!  Really!?!?!  How stupid are you to think that the only reason that man stopped you was because you are black!!!  UGH!!!  I am sure that if it was a white woman he would have stopped her too because under a hoodie in the dark rain it is hard to see what color you are. 

I am just so over all of this and I needed to speak my mind.  Thanks for listening.

My Luck

So I don’t know if you all remember that I had great news a while back?

Well the person that bought my Charlie from me was going to sell him back to me. 

She called my mom and told her that she could no longer take care of him and needed to sell him.  So my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to buy him for $300.00 from Monica Cooper? 

OMG!  Yes I am wanting him back!!  Have you been in an accident and gotten amnesia?  Give me a couple of days to get everything together and I will call you back. 

 

So that was two weeks ago that we had that conversation.  We have had many in between there mostly about when I was going to be able to go and get him.  I am/was in the process of getting our fence up so that we can have all of our horses in the same pasture.  That takes time and money, but, we were finishing it up this coming weekend and I would be able to come and get him this coming week.  I had even went as far as telling my SD that if she needs feed or hay for him to let me know and I will bring it by so that she wouldn’t have to worry about him.  He called a few hours after that and told me that she said that she just needs him gone.  OH.  Ok. 

About a week later I saw in our little paper that some woman with grey short hair and a grey trailer had dropped of two horses at a stable and one of them were in horrific condition!  OMG how could anyone do that?  Why wouldn’t you just try your damnedest to find them a place to live before starving them like that?!  A couple of days after that I got a call from my mom that Monica had dropped off Charlie with a lady that has several (15) acre’s and that when I am ready that I need to go and get him from there. 

Flash forward to today.  I am writing this with such a heavy heart.  That was my Charlie that was in the paper.  I am beside myself.  Why!? Why did she not just call and say please just come and get him.  I cannot feed him.  My Charlie passed away that same day he was dropped off.  My Charlie will never be mine again.  I am so deeply hurt!  So hurt! 

I want her sentenced to life of near starvation EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!  Look at my horse!!!  WHY!!!
 

Here is his ending :'(